Post by Zou ۞ on Apr 16, 2014 23:33:28 GMT -5
KENRYOKU'S FLEAS?! KYOMEI TELLS IT ALL!
Published by Kagome Tsunayoshi
Edited by Hiro Kaname
Kido Corps Captain Kyomei Kuchiki came clean earlier this morning when in a press conference he announced his pending retirement from the Gotei Thirteen, which he claims is because he can no longer stand going to Captain's meetings, and standing across from Kenryoku Kawada.
While Kyomei claims that the retirement idea was not taken lightly, it is a necessary action after his failure to persuade Kenryoku to take a shower. Kenryoku's body odor, he says, is simply so overwhelming and bad, that he can no longer stand it.
"I'd just had enough," Kyomei said. "Kenryoku just wouldn't try to clean himself. All that he cared about was eating bagels. Every time he entered a meeting, he was stuffing his face. At some point, all you could see when he took off his shirt was that belly..."
Their relationship has been downhill for years as a result of trying to contain not only Kenryoku's odor, but scandalous behavior, spiraling out of control after the first time that Kenryoku was caught in bed with goat man Raion Souretsu, and later with beaver man Shade Kawada.
"This is all so shocking," Squad 6 Santa Clause Caesar The Cardinal said. "I knew them for years, and I always thought to myself, 'Wow! Golly! I'll be rabbited if I have never seen a happier band of merry men before! It's just so shocking that they've always had all of this tension!'"
This has thrown a wrench once again into Soul Society's credibility, as many are wondering how they can possibly trust an organization whose Captains cannot even remain faithful to the way that they smell.
"It's apalling," Squad 16 third seat Adalo De-Mona said. "Munch munch munch munch munch. I really wish that I could believe in our Shinigami more, but I guess it isn't the case anymore."
Worse yet, it has been made public that Kenryoku Kawada has fleas, even on his extremely shiny shoes. As a result, vendors are beginning to refuse to sell clothing to him, for fear of him ruining the name of their brand.
"What?! Sell clothes to Kenryoku Kawada?!" clothing salesman Hiro Kaname said. "Ludicrous! I would never ruin my name brand for a man of such lacrid filth!"
While the Captain Commander could not be reached for comment, he did leave an announcement on the bulletin board for Captains, which we will quote in this paper.
"Your barracks are filthy," the Captain Commander's notice said. "It is time that each and every one of you, save a few, and you know who you are, get to work with cleaning your barracks. Especially the Squad 10 Captain."
According to the board and the Captain Commander, the filth of Kenryoku is reported to have started spreading not just to his own barracks, but to the barracks of other Captains.
"It just smells so bad every time I go near any of the Captains now," Squad 9 seat 4 Hokori Demonliogalgo said. "I can't take this anymore. Tomorrow I'm turning in my resignation and quitting the Gotei."
Soul Society is now in far worse disarray than ever, with desperate need to clean up its act. One way to start would be by purchasing Hiro Kaname t-shirts, only 500 Ryo per.
"I love Hiro Kaname t-shirts!" tooth fairy Axis Hitotoki said. "It's hard to find miracle sized ones to fit my tubby body, but I still go to a lot of trouble to secure them."
While Kyomei claims that the retirement idea was not taken lightly, it is a necessary action after his failure to persuade Kenryoku to take a shower. Kenryoku's body odor, he says, is simply so overwhelming and bad, that he can no longer stand it.
"I'd just had enough," Kyomei said. "Kenryoku just wouldn't try to clean himself. All that he cared about was eating bagels. Every time he entered a meeting, he was stuffing his face. At some point, all you could see when he took off his shirt was that belly..."
Their relationship has been downhill for years as a result of trying to contain not only Kenryoku's odor, but scandalous behavior, spiraling out of control after the first time that Kenryoku was caught in bed with goat man Raion Souretsu, and later with beaver man Shade Kawada.
"This is all so shocking," Squad 6 Santa Clause Caesar The Cardinal said. "I knew them for years, and I always thought to myself, 'Wow! Golly! I'll be rabbited if I have never seen a happier band of merry men before! It's just so shocking that they've always had all of this tension!'"
This has thrown a wrench once again into Soul Society's credibility, as many are wondering how they can possibly trust an organization whose Captains cannot even remain faithful to the way that they smell.
"It's apalling," Squad 16 third seat Adalo De-Mona said. "Munch munch munch munch munch. I really wish that I could believe in our Shinigami more, but I guess it isn't the case anymore."
Worse yet, it has been made public that Kenryoku Kawada has fleas, even on his extremely shiny shoes. As a result, vendors are beginning to refuse to sell clothing to him, for fear of him ruining the name of their brand.
"What?! Sell clothes to Kenryoku Kawada?!" clothing salesman Hiro Kaname said. "Ludicrous! I would never ruin my name brand for a man of such lacrid filth!"
While the Captain Commander could not be reached for comment, he did leave an announcement on the bulletin board for Captains, which we will quote in this paper.
"Your barracks are filthy," the Captain Commander's notice said. "It is time that each and every one of you, save a few, and you know who you are, get to work with cleaning your barracks. Especially the Squad 10 Captain."
According to the board and the Captain Commander, the filth of Kenryoku is reported to have started spreading not just to his own barracks, but to the barracks of other Captains.
"It just smells so bad every time I go near any of the Captains now," Squad 9 seat 4 Hokori Demonliogalgo said. "I can't take this anymore. Tomorrow I'm turning in my resignation and quitting the Gotei."
Soul Society is now in far worse disarray than ever, with desperate need to clean up its act. One way to start would be by purchasing Hiro Kaname t-shirts, only 500 Ryo per.
"I love Hiro Kaname t-shirts!" tooth fairy Axis Hitotoki said. "It's hard to find miracle sized ones to fit my tubby body, but I still go to a lot of trouble to secure them."
For more stories by Kagome Tsunayoshi, visit our website.
NEXT WEEK! Was the original Seireitei penis shaped?!