Post by Zou ۞ on Dec 1, 2013 20:18:20 GMT -5
SHADE KAWADA, HALF BEAVER-MAN?! THE LIE OF THE CENTURY!
Published by Kagome Tsunayoshi
Edited by Hiro Kaname
Shade Kawada, Captain of Squad 13 and Head of the Kawada Household, has recently been uncovered as the half brother of Squad 9 Captain Raion Souretsu, the infamous goat-man of Soul Society.
Sources recently came forward confirming that not only is Shade's mother a beaver, but he is not related to the Kawada head, and rather shares a goat father with none other than Captain Raion Souretsu.
"He confided in me when we went away together to the mountain..." recent adoptee and Squad 19 Sixth Seat Raygin Youji said, "I always knew that he part timed as a bag lady, but I could never have imagined this."
Harsh criticisms not only of the Kawada family, but of Shade's intentional deceit have arisen from the Soul Society community at this outrageous noble scandal.
"It is shameful that not only has he known this entire time, but he still chose to assume Kawada Leadership," maid Hokori Kasumi'Oji said. "He is a disgrace to all of the Gotei Thirteen."
Sources came forward soon after the scandal was first blown into the media, confirming even further what they had previously been too afraid to say, for fear of assassination.
"I always did wonder why he wanted it to be pitch black when we made love," husband Marcelius Despres said. "I never could get him to take his pants off in broad daylight, so one night I snuck it by candle. I had thought up until then that he was just hairy, but when I saw those beaver legs and that flapping tail, I just knew that I couldn't keep the truth from everybody anymore..."
Though this has been an enormous scandal and has once again shamed the Gotei Thirteen, Squad 9 Captain Raion Souretsu appeared ecstatic at the news.
"I always did feel some sort of kinship with Shade!" goat-man Raion Souretsu said. "I just felt it. I'm so overjoyed to have a brother! He even said he would get a pedicure with me over some sake! OH BOY, AM I EXCITED!"
Once again, the Gotei Thirteen's credibility has plummeted from yet another scandal, one of many which are recently coming to light.
"I don't know if I can accept them as our protectors anymore," housewife Adalo De-Mona said. "How can we expect them to keep us safe when we can't even trust them to keep themselves honest?"
The Captain Commander once again could not be reached for word on the matter but this reporter managed to get a word or two from Kenryoku Kawada, Squad 15 Sixth Seat and sister of Shade Kawada, for some harsh words which could only further dent the Kawada image.
"Your magazine is a joke," Squad 15 Sixth Seat Kenryoku Kawada said. "Not one of you does anything of actual use or merit, and we would be better off if you were all dead."
While Soul Society is once again thrown onto the railings of an approaching train, and then run over and left as blood and guts everywhere, this reporter thinks we may be able to salvage ourselves by purchasing some Hiro Kaname t-shirts, only 500 Ryo per.
"I never leave home without these snug little things," Squad 10 Captain Asuka Tan'O said. "I really do love them. OH! And Hiro-kun said there are going to be some sweaters soon for the holidays too! I'm so excited!"
Hiro Kaname Christmas sweaters now on sale for 800 Ryo per.
Sources recently came forward confirming that not only is Shade's mother a beaver, but he is not related to the Kawada head, and rather shares a goat father with none other than Captain Raion Souretsu.
"He confided in me when we went away together to the mountain..." recent adoptee and Squad 19 Sixth Seat Raygin Youji said, "I always knew that he part timed as a bag lady, but I could never have imagined this."
Harsh criticisms not only of the Kawada family, but of Shade's intentional deceit have arisen from the Soul Society community at this outrageous noble scandal.
"It is shameful that not only has he known this entire time, but he still chose to assume Kawada Leadership," maid Hokori Kasumi'Oji said. "He is a disgrace to all of the Gotei Thirteen."
Sources came forward soon after the scandal was first blown into the media, confirming even further what they had previously been too afraid to say, for fear of assassination.
"I always did wonder why he wanted it to be pitch black when we made love," husband Marcelius Despres said. "I never could get him to take his pants off in broad daylight, so one night I snuck it by candle. I had thought up until then that he was just hairy, but when I saw those beaver legs and that flapping tail, I just knew that I couldn't keep the truth from everybody anymore..."
Though this has been an enormous scandal and has once again shamed the Gotei Thirteen, Squad 9 Captain Raion Souretsu appeared ecstatic at the news.
"I always did feel some sort of kinship with Shade!" goat-man Raion Souretsu said. "I just felt it. I'm so overjoyed to have a brother! He even said he would get a pedicure with me over some sake! OH BOY, AM I EXCITED!"
Once again, the Gotei Thirteen's credibility has plummeted from yet another scandal, one of many which are recently coming to light.
"I don't know if I can accept them as our protectors anymore," housewife Adalo De-Mona said. "How can we expect them to keep us safe when we can't even trust them to keep themselves honest?"
The Captain Commander once again could not be reached for word on the matter but this reporter managed to get a word or two from Kenryoku Kawada, Squad 15 Sixth Seat and sister of Shade Kawada, for some harsh words which could only further dent the Kawada image.
"Your magazine is a joke," Squad 15 Sixth Seat Kenryoku Kawada said. "Not one of you does anything of actual use or merit, and we would be better off if you were all dead."
While Soul Society is once again thrown onto the railings of an approaching train, and then run over and left as blood and guts everywhere, this reporter thinks we may be able to salvage ourselves by purchasing some Hiro Kaname t-shirts, only 500 Ryo per.
"I never leave home without these snug little things," Squad 10 Captain Asuka Tan'O said. "I really do love them. OH! And Hiro-kun said there are going to be some sweaters soon for the holidays too! I'm so excited!"
Hiro Kaname Christmas sweaters now on sale for 800 Ryo per.
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NEXT WEEK! Green beans, Sozen's new Bankai?!