Post by Zou ۞ on May 27, 2013 19:28:19 GMT -5
IRO KUCHIKI IS EMINEM?! DOUBLE LIFE! HIS SHOCKING SECRET!
Published by Kagome Tsunayoshi
Edited by Anastasia Solis
Iro Kuchiki, Captain of Squad 11, held a press conference on May 9th in front of the Squad 11 barracks following his recent battle against an invader in Soul Society; It was here that he revealed his shocking secret: He is Eminem.
For years, Shinigami across the Seireitei have had suspicions that Iro Kuchiki isn't who he claims to be, but these allegations were never taken seriously until now.
"Actually, it all makes sense!" Squad 8 Fourth Seat Hokori Kawada said, "I've seen him rapping on many occasions, and I've always wondered where I knew that voice from."
These allegations have thrown many other things into question as well. For starters, if Iro Kuchiki is Eminem, is he really a Kuchiki, or is he just another adopted member of the Kuchiki Family, perhaps to give some mad rhymes to Sozen's household?
"I'd like to assure you that Iro is indeed a blood-born member of the household," Sozen Kasumi'Oji, Squad 15 Captain and Head of the Kawada household announced soon after, "He has and always will be a true Kuchiki."
Eminem fans are in an uproar about whether or not this means half of Eminem's lyrics about being born in the hood and having a tough life are based on actual life events or not, given that being a Kuchiki means that he grew up wealthy, not to mention that he isn't even from the human world.
"I just feel so betrayed," Eminem fan Miley Cyrus said, "I've always had a raging woman-boner for Eminem, but now it just feels wrong. How can we let him be our President if he's not even born here? I'm going to buzz my hair to protest."
Along with previous allegations of Okusa eating oreos, Sozen being a moon Nazi, and Raion actually being a goat man and not a sheep man, the Gotei Thirteen's credibility has been seriously thrown into question.
"I no longer respect the Gotei," Squad 5 Captain Rio Demonliogalgo said while banging Shade's mom, "I'm just heartbroken now. Forever."
The Captain Commander once again could not be reached for comment, and had only cynical and negative things to say, seriously throwing a wrench into the Gotei Thirteen's credibility.
"You are the filth of the Soul Society," Squad 1 Captain Commander Kyousou Ningen said, "Get out of my face. Your entire publication is nothing but lies, slander, and garbage. You're a joke and you should be shut down."
In closing, Soul Society is appalled by everything that has happened this week. It's safe to say that things will never be the same again. However, this reporter still has hope that we can be saved. We just all need to buy Hiro Kaname t-shirts, only 500 Ryo per.
"I never leave home without a Hiro Kaname t-shirt or at least pants," Squad 6 Seat 8 Kuroi Naito said, "He's the sexiest man ever to live."
For years, Shinigami across the Seireitei have had suspicions that Iro Kuchiki isn't who he claims to be, but these allegations were never taken seriously until now.
"Actually, it all makes sense!" Squad 8 Fourth Seat Hokori Kawada said, "I've seen him rapping on many occasions, and I've always wondered where I knew that voice from."
These allegations have thrown many other things into question as well. For starters, if Iro Kuchiki is Eminem, is he really a Kuchiki, or is he just another adopted member of the Kuchiki Family, perhaps to give some mad rhymes to Sozen's household?
"I'd like to assure you that Iro is indeed a blood-born member of the household," Sozen Kasumi'Oji, Squad 15 Captain and Head of the Kawada household announced soon after, "He has and always will be a true Kuchiki."
Eminem fans are in an uproar about whether or not this means half of Eminem's lyrics about being born in the hood and having a tough life are based on actual life events or not, given that being a Kuchiki means that he grew up wealthy, not to mention that he isn't even from the human world.
"I just feel so betrayed," Eminem fan Miley Cyrus said, "I've always had a raging woman-boner for Eminem, but now it just feels wrong. How can we let him be our President if he's not even born here? I'm going to buzz my hair to protest."
Along with previous allegations of Okusa eating oreos, Sozen being a moon Nazi, and Raion actually being a goat man and not a sheep man, the Gotei Thirteen's credibility has been seriously thrown into question.
"I no longer respect the Gotei," Squad 5 Captain Rio Demonliogalgo said while banging Shade's mom, "I'm just heartbroken now. Forever."
The Captain Commander once again could not be reached for comment, and had only cynical and negative things to say, seriously throwing a wrench into the Gotei Thirteen's credibility.
"You are the filth of the Soul Society," Squad 1 Captain Commander Kyousou Ningen said, "Get out of my face. Your entire publication is nothing but lies, slander, and garbage. You're a joke and you should be shut down."
In closing, Soul Society is appalled by everything that has happened this week. It's safe to say that things will never be the same again. However, this reporter still has hope that we can be saved. We just all need to buy Hiro Kaname t-shirts, only 500 Ryo per.
"I never leave home without a Hiro Kaname t-shirt or at least pants," Squad 6 Seat 8 Kuroi Naito said, "He's the sexiest man ever to live."
For more stories by Kagome Tsunayoshi, visit our website!
NEXT WEEK! KENRYOKU KAWADA, SHADE'S MOTHER?!