Post by Ludwig Verrlicht on Aug 1, 2021 12:00:47 GMT -5
The day had started off well, or at least had tried to for Ludwig. He'd been awake a bit earlier than he'd intended in his personal quarters but had managed to feel refreshed regardless of the various interruptions of the night prior and the dreams that beckoned him. Even the weather outside seemed to suit his fancy as it was quiet, cloudy, and promised just enough rain to be noticeable. If he was truly fortunate it would be just slightly chilly because of the moisture but that would be something he'd figured out later since he was still in the process of getting ready for the day.
As soon as he moved to start getting dressed though is when his body felt it a good time to inform him that it was yet again displeased with him. His sides, specifically his insides were disgruntled. To put it mildly. It wasn't a surprising ache but it was stronger than he'd experienced recently. Still he'd had naught but sugar and alcohol for the past couple days so his body retaliating was fair game when he thought about it. Admittedly he'd tried to mix in some water but it just never worked well unless he only had water around. Something that was nigh never a possibility since his desk, his cabinets, and in various furniture of his personal quarters had some form or another of sugary goodness.
Today however he'd have to ignore it, at least for a time. He didn't need to show this ache to others. His squad members might not realize it just given how infrequent he was around anymore but the thought alone of them sensing something was "off" or "wrong" was enough to have him put on his mask as usual. "I'll make sure I've got some water on my person and at my desk today. It'll make sure I drink it and hopefully appease my kidneys." A quick look over his appearance in a handheld mirror and Ludwig could say he was finally ready for the day. Though to his eyes, he saw the ache and weariness in his eyes. It was small, and hidden in the pupil and the way the creases on his eyes changed to point downward. He'd yet to figure out how to 100% hide it away but at least he'd gotten close. And that was enough for now.
As he made his way out he grabbed an umbrella and was greeted with another small mercy from the world. It was in fact just cold enough to be noticeable and with the rain being light it gave him the mental image that it was a common winter day. The unusual quiet of the seireitei aided this given sunday's were usually days all others slept in. If work was even being accomplished. Usually it was strickly just those standing guard duty or some other position that needed oversight that would be manned for the day. Or at least that was how he ran his division. He'd heard others had similar ideas but as always there was some differences between squads. Thus his walk went forward without interruption. A gentle breeze his companion and a subtle chill reminding him that he was awake and not in another realistic dream.
And yet he knew. Something in the back of his mind was growing. He didn't want to acknowledge it. He never did. To acknowledge something was there was to admit something existed. And if it existed depending on what it was could then require him to take certain actions. Thus if the ever growing hole in his chest and his psyche was acknowledged then he'd need to do something about it. And at the current point, even his subconsious knew he wasn't ready to handle it yet. Perhaps once he'd finally made it to the office and just worked for a bit he might be able to. But that would be up to his concious self. The subconcious had no real means of holding it back, it could only watch knowing the inevitable ending.
Meanwhile in his inner world Karvaldia was already starting to feel the shift. His usual cabin and the surrounding hills, forest, and mountains were slowly losing their color. The edges of the world, as far as she could see were even blending in as though smudged. She sighed to herself before walking back in and making herself a cup of tea. "My idiot grandson is at it again it seems." Her comment a whisper to herself and more a stray thought that was vocalized. The kettle started to scream as steam was finally leaving and alongside it came the rain with the skies growing dark enough to match the mood. "I hope for his sake he's able to push through it quickly. The more he dwells. . . the worse this gets. And if he's not careful. . . it'll consume him."
It had taken him a bit longer than he'd intended but given the weather outside Ludwig had opted to slow down just a bit to enjoy it. Alas though he did eventually end up at the barracks and immediately headed to his office. The work he hadn't finished yet about changing the squads goals and purpose were still lying on his desk all over the place. He chuckled as he remembered last night where he'd finally got frustrated with it all and had metaphorically "flipped the table". It was a bit funny now that he thought on it but he understood why it had bothered him so much. He'd wanted to make the squad better. Especially after he found out why Camilla left and what had happened. The squad needed some serious changes or at least some continued change to a better direction. He'd figured awhile back that perhaps if he'd expanded their responsibilities it would allow the squad to feel like they do more than just be "extras". They were extra's admittedly. That had always been squad 13's goal was to be the place anyone could come to. Especially those with nowhere else to go. A sort of hopeful second chance. How well that had been followed. . . even Ludwig hadn't really wanted to follow that train of thought. He knew his personal answer.
He stood over his desk and pondered on things more before finally sitting down and getting to it. The office would be quiet for a VERY long time if not the entire day so he'd be able to handle everything in peace. Hopefully finishing it all. And thus the day went by without anything really happening. The room was filled with the sound of Ludwig crinkling paper, scratching against it with his pen, the occasional subtle rain, and his quiet breaths. It wasn't until a few hours later that the gnawing void in his head finally decided it'd had enough of being ignored. But unlike the explosive outburst that such a void might have been inclined to it simply uttered a question. "Why are you wasting your time?"
Such a simple question. It should be easy to answer and easy to retort. But it was open ended. Perhaps all it meant was about the duties and responsibilities paperwork he was dealing with. Or perhaps it was about why Ludwig even bothered trying to lead his squad when he was clearly lacking. It could also be asking about how he'd not stopped thinking on how he'd handled Camilla. How his lack of presence had allowed the squad to degrade. The more he thought on it, the more it hit different chords from within. Why did he waste his time trying to be a shinigami? He was destined to hell anyway. If he wasn't already there and hadn't realized it. Why did he bother living when his actions continue to cause consequences he wasn't able to deal with? Why had he done nothing with his life up to this point? Others had worse lives and still managed to do something with it. Ludwig had given others hope only to let it die a slow painful death as he hadn't been present enough to even try and follow through. And in some ways he hadn't even wanted to follow through with it at times.
More and more he continued to think. Not realizing how he was slowly being drawn into his mind. The pen he was using slowing down to a stop. The papers ceasing any movement. Even the gentle pitter patter of the rain hitting the roof faded away until all Ludwig could experience was a void. A pitch black empty space. No objects existed here. No sounds. No people. No colors. No foundations for him to stand upon even. Though he'd long since figured out that he stood because some part of him "willed" a ground of sorts to exist. But there was nothing here. And yet, he knew one thing was. His regrets, resentment, and most importantly his sins. And their form? Well that changed. Sometimes it was simply the weight of chains on and around him. Sometimes it was a carbon copy of him but without color, aside from black for details and outlines. Others it simply a voice. And even still there were many variations it could take. An infinite number admittedly.
Today's however was more monstrous. At the "edge" of this void was a monstrous looking thing. It had a mouth comprised entirely of fangs and a long draconic tongue. This mouth covered the majority of the sphere that comprised it's body. And from it's sides or backside came several tendrils. But these tendrils leaked or melted into some kind of sludge. Even the main body emitted this sludge so it might have been more fair to say the monster was a sludgy thing that had a "relative" form to work with. However unlike other iterations where definition and color were present everything about it was black. And against the black backdrop of the mental space it was immensely hard to keep track of it without staring directly at it. Even blinking could cause Ludwig to lose it if he wasn't careful.
What felt like an eternity passed between them. Neither moved nor spoke. They simply watched one another. Waiting to see who would make the first move. What would happen. But Ludwig already knew he'd have to start this interaction. His mind, especially when it fought him never took initiative. It knew eventually he'd cave and do something. And it was right. Ludwig took off the "mask" he usually wore. Except in this case it was a very "real" thing despite it usually being metaphorical. When not on his face it looked like a simple plain cover for his face with only holes for his eyes to see through being it's defining feature. Said mask broke apart in his hand. He hummed softly before glancing back at the beast and spoke out to it. "Hello void, it has been awhile since we've last acknowledged one another hasn't it? I'd be lying if I said I'm pleased to see you. I was, as always hoping our last interaction would be our last. Evidently that's not the case, so what brings you here?"
The beast chuckled, forming something of a sinister smile. The fact it was as slimy and monstrous didn't help it be anything but malicious. "Did you really think an elegant box would keep me away? Surely you're not that primitive Ludwig. For once, I actually expect better. Not that you're capable of being better but alas, perfection is the goal of all isn't it? Knowing you'll fail but striving to reach it regardless and get better in the process. Really, it's a noble goal when you think about it." It chuckled to itself as it slowly dragged itself over to Ludwig. Ludwig for his part didn't move, the form didn't phase him even. At this point their interaction wouldn't be over until it let it be over. There was no point in struggling against it as that would only make the entire event far more painful for him and drag it out.
"Alas even striving to do better is something you cannot do isn't it? Look at you. A pathetic waste of space. You breathe, eat, and relieve yourself like others. But that's all you do. You help no one. You contribute to no one. You take. You hurt. You betray. And to everyone's surprise its not just to others you do this to. You do it to yourself. And then have the gall to act upset when you see the ramifications of your actions. Pathetic is only the tip of the iceberg Ludwig Eisenhart Verrlicht. And you know this. Now stop asking questions that betray your stupidity and lets have an honest conversation for once. Starting with a real question from you. Please take your time to think it over. You have many I imagine."
Ludwig couldn't deny that this things words hit him. As impassive as he wanted to be his face was also betraying him as he was frowning and he could feel a pang in his chest that would only continue to grow in size and pain as time went on. Admittedly he wasn't entirely certain what this beast wanted him to ask. He wasn't sure what he wanted to ask. He did want to know why it was here but to be fair the questions he'd been asking himself earlier were likely a part of why it came out. Admittedly the only thing he could come up with was why. What made it decide that now was the perfect time to form him to talk rather than any other point. The beast groaned in annoyance but nevertheless deigned itself to answer Ludwig.
"Remember how I asked you not to betray your stupidity? You've mucked that right up from the get go. Regardless this is likely the "height" of what you can consider so I'll answer it regardless. I'm here now because you will finally listen. Without distraction. Without this false bravado of "I'm doing good!". Where you have to come to terms with the facts and there's no way out until you do. I'm talking about aknowledging your failures Ludwig. Those of this life and the past. Those you'd rather hide away in your ever so nice glass bottles and act like they don't exist. Life is not a cartoon, though Karvaldia would like you to believe otherwise. Not everything gets better at the end of the day. And if nothing else shows this, your constant internal rot and mental decay show this. You can't even handle reality so you have substituted it with a childish one!"
"But here. You cannot create a new reality. Here you cannot hide away. Here we can look at everything. And it all starts with you. What have you done? Absolutely nothing. You walk around the seireitei using your rank as an excuse to not be questioned. You've abandoned the squad, the "family" as you called it, and let them become akin to the old squads namesake. They are monsters in human skin Ludwig. They are the genocide squad. They are not a family unit. They are beasts. Lead by an even bigger beast. And like all beasts they kill, they consume, and they do so without regard to anyone else around them. Just because they ignore humans due to the sheer number of hollows around the world doesn't change this fact. You've seen their smiles Ludwig. You've seen how much joy they get in killing the other "animals" as they've called them. You've heard the whispers between them where they consider themselves "superior" and they can't even attain shikai. Yet here they are as "apex predators" with swords slick with the blood of others passed down by others who have fed their blades blood. Some of which wasn't even hollows or the "utterly evil arrancars". It was humans. And YOU have allowed to to occur."
"YOU have allowed them to forget themselves. And in doing so have actually done one thing for them. Failed them. Just as you failed Camilla. Just as you failed Himitsu. Just as you failed your country. Just as you failed your siblings. As you failed your own mother. You debase her gifts to you by using them to harm others. There is no worse form of "honoring" her memory or gifts. In fact its utterly disrespectful and you've known this for an incredibly long time." The beast finally took a breath but instead of continuing stared Ludwig dead in the eye. Expecting. Waiting for whatever response he could try to make. And it smiled to itself as Ludwig remained silent.
Try as Ludwig might to refute the beast wasn't wrong. He failed many. He'd allowed his squad to become something other than humane. In his mind he could argue against them being beasts but he'd seen a few of his members acting exactly like that. It was just like in the Nazi army. His fellows hurt by the enemy. The sweet vengeance and feeling of satisfaction they get by returning the pain they felt. And like before he had never been certain how to tell others how to deny it. How to grow past it. How could he? His past molded him. Even he felt and still feels anger towards other countries for actions in the past. Camilla's betrayal even continued to upset him. And there was a part that wanted to scream at her about it. But another, calmer part, reminded him of the events surrounding it. It wasn't random. And it wasn't without thought or reason. It was the squads betrayal of her that prompted it. And his subsequent near execution of her that continue to prompt her actions. That olive branch he told his subordinates to extend out he'd failed to do such. And like the beast said he'd attacked like a monster.
But what really struck deep within him was the fact that he was in fact using his mothers gifts to harm others. Though the memories still were hazy he could recall her teaching him to draw. Her office space filled with paints, brushes, various pencils, and so many other things he couldn't begin to recount all of them. And that was nothing to say of the various art pieces that were present in that space. Most of which he couldn't recall anymore. And yet he could remember the feeling of the art that they made together. It was joy. Happiness unlike anything else. And that's why he'd clung to it while at the military school. It was all he'd had left. The same joy in hiding away somewhere that he could create. The joy of taking the talent he'd had and the experience with his mother to sequester just a little place where others couldn't harm him further. It was truly the only thing he had now of her, barring a select group of hazy memories. He had to wonder if this thing had a point. How disappointed would she be by his actions? How would she feel about him using his artistic talent and creations to harm others? He couldn't know for certain. He'd unfortunately never knew her beyond the first 6 years of his life.
The beasts smile grew larger ecompassing more of it's body that is however only for a moment. It left as quickly as it came. It knew why, she was involving herself. Aggravating woman. She always did this. Ruined his time with Ludwig and prevented him from completely breaking him. Today was another such day and for as much as it frustrated him he did have to admit, the new scar on Ludwig's psyche was beautiful to see. Though the man had not realized it himself he had produced the equivalent of a hollow hole except it was over his heart. And it continued to ooze out the same pitch and grime that composed itself. It would not be leaving him anytime soon and for that despite the wenches influence he could rest easily in his box about what he had accomplished. Thus even though he was starting to get pushed back he smiled widely with so much malevolence it was surprising that Ludwig wasn't sensing it.
"Excellent. Finally using your primative brain to consider something outside of yourself. It's only taken upwards of a century to do it. I suppose the saying, "better late than never" rings true here. Alas though you should be forced to realize more truths I have not the energy to continue this. Remember though Ludwig, it's not just myself whose watching. It's your squad. Your allies. And most importantly your enemies. And they all can see you as clearly as an object behind glass. Lie to yourself if you must. Continue living in this childish fantasy land you've created if you desire. But when everything finally comes to pass, you'll be the one to have engineered it all. You cannot escape or hide away from your past, your wrongdoings. And you certainly cannot escape the repercussions of your sins. You are a failure Ludwig. Not as a man. Not as a captain. And certainly not as a shinigami. You are a failure of an individual. You refuse to learn. You refuse to acknowledge. And you continue to perpetrate the same mistakes of the past hoping that somehow you'll get it right. You are a waste of space and even in death you will find no solace from your crimes. Remember this Ludwig. Events will come to pass that could have been stayed by your hand. And you will have no one to blame but yourself.~
Ludwig let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding in. When he looked around he was back in his office. Pen in hand. Mid signing sonmething. The same raindrops in the background. And yet he could feel the "hole" in his chest, the growing weight of several invisible chains encompassing him. This was his mind fighting against him. He knew this. And it was likely biased. Twisting and turning things against him. Creating something out of nothing. And yet. . . the words sang so true that he couldn't help but feel that even if they were warped they were not wrong. He couldn't handle anymore work today. He needed to step away for awhile. Perhaps the remainder of the day. Only time would tell, for now he simply cleaned up the desk grabbed some candy and a soda and walked off. "Anywhere. . . anywhere but here. . .I'm sorry. . ."
As soon as he moved to start getting dressed though is when his body felt it a good time to inform him that it was yet again displeased with him. His sides, specifically his insides were disgruntled. To put it mildly. It wasn't a surprising ache but it was stronger than he'd experienced recently. Still he'd had naught but sugar and alcohol for the past couple days so his body retaliating was fair game when he thought about it. Admittedly he'd tried to mix in some water but it just never worked well unless he only had water around. Something that was nigh never a possibility since his desk, his cabinets, and in various furniture of his personal quarters had some form or another of sugary goodness.
Today however he'd have to ignore it, at least for a time. He didn't need to show this ache to others. His squad members might not realize it just given how infrequent he was around anymore but the thought alone of them sensing something was "off" or "wrong" was enough to have him put on his mask as usual. "I'll make sure I've got some water on my person and at my desk today. It'll make sure I drink it and hopefully appease my kidneys." A quick look over his appearance in a handheld mirror and Ludwig could say he was finally ready for the day. Though to his eyes, he saw the ache and weariness in his eyes. It was small, and hidden in the pupil and the way the creases on his eyes changed to point downward. He'd yet to figure out how to 100% hide it away but at least he'd gotten close. And that was enough for now.
As he made his way out he grabbed an umbrella and was greeted with another small mercy from the world. It was in fact just cold enough to be noticeable and with the rain being light it gave him the mental image that it was a common winter day. The unusual quiet of the seireitei aided this given sunday's were usually days all others slept in. If work was even being accomplished. Usually it was strickly just those standing guard duty or some other position that needed oversight that would be manned for the day. Or at least that was how he ran his division. He'd heard others had similar ideas but as always there was some differences between squads. Thus his walk went forward without interruption. A gentle breeze his companion and a subtle chill reminding him that he was awake and not in another realistic dream.
And yet he knew. Something in the back of his mind was growing. He didn't want to acknowledge it. He never did. To acknowledge something was there was to admit something existed. And if it existed depending on what it was could then require him to take certain actions. Thus if the ever growing hole in his chest and his psyche was acknowledged then he'd need to do something about it. And at the current point, even his subconsious knew he wasn't ready to handle it yet. Perhaps once he'd finally made it to the office and just worked for a bit he might be able to. But that would be up to his concious self. The subconcious had no real means of holding it back, it could only watch knowing the inevitable ending.
Meanwhile in his inner world Karvaldia was already starting to feel the shift. His usual cabin and the surrounding hills, forest, and mountains were slowly losing their color. The edges of the world, as far as she could see were even blending in as though smudged. She sighed to herself before walking back in and making herself a cup of tea. "My idiot grandson is at it again it seems." Her comment a whisper to herself and more a stray thought that was vocalized. The kettle started to scream as steam was finally leaving and alongside it came the rain with the skies growing dark enough to match the mood. "I hope for his sake he's able to push through it quickly. The more he dwells. . . the worse this gets. And if he's not careful. . . it'll consume him."
It had taken him a bit longer than he'd intended but given the weather outside Ludwig had opted to slow down just a bit to enjoy it. Alas though he did eventually end up at the barracks and immediately headed to his office. The work he hadn't finished yet about changing the squads goals and purpose were still lying on his desk all over the place. He chuckled as he remembered last night where he'd finally got frustrated with it all and had metaphorically "flipped the table". It was a bit funny now that he thought on it but he understood why it had bothered him so much. He'd wanted to make the squad better. Especially after he found out why Camilla left and what had happened. The squad needed some serious changes or at least some continued change to a better direction. He'd figured awhile back that perhaps if he'd expanded their responsibilities it would allow the squad to feel like they do more than just be "extras". They were extra's admittedly. That had always been squad 13's goal was to be the place anyone could come to. Especially those with nowhere else to go. A sort of hopeful second chance. How well that had been followed. . . even Ludwig hadn't really wanted to follow that train of thought. He knew his personal answer.
He stood over his desk and pondered on things more before finally sitting down and getting to it. The office would be quiet for a VERY long time if not the entire day so he'd be able to handle everything in peace. Hopefully finishing it all. And thus the day went by without anything really happening. The room was filled with the sound of Ludwig crinkling paper, scratching against it with his pen, the occasional subtle rain, and his quiet breaths. It wasn't until a few hours later that the gnawing void in his head finally decided it'd had enough of being ignored. But unlike the explosive outburst that such a void might have been inclined to it simply uttered a question. "Why are you wasting your time?"
Such a simple question. It should be easy to answer and easy to retort. But it was open ended. Perhaps all it meant was about the duties and responsibilities paperwork he was dealing with. Or perhaps it was about why Ludwig even bothered trying to lead his squad when he was clearly lacking. It could also be asking about how he'd not stopped thinking on how he'd handled Camilla. How his lack of presence had allowed the squad to degrade. The more he thought on it, the more it hit different chords from within. Why did he waste his time trying to be a shinigami? He was destined to hell anyway. If he wasn't already there and hadn't realized it. Why did he bother living when his actions continue to cause consequences he wasn't able to deal with? Why had he done nothing with his life up to this point? Others had worse lives and still managed to do something with it. Ludwig had given others hope only to let it die a slow painful death as he hadn't been present enough to even try and follow through. And in some ways he hadn't even wanted to follow through with it at times.
More and more he continued to think. Not realizing how he was slowly being drawn into his mind. The pen he was using slowing down to a stop. The papers ceasing any movement. Even the gentle pitter patter of the rain hitting the roof faded away until all Ludwig could experience was a void. A pitch black empty space. No objects existed here. No sounds. No people. No colors. No foundations for him to stand upon even. Though he'd long since figured out that he stood because some part of him "willed" a ground of sorts to exist. But there was nothing here. And yet, he knew one thing was. His regrets, resentment, and most importantly his sins. And their form? Well that changed. Sometimes it was simply the weight of chains on and around him. Sometimes it was a carbon copy of him but without color, aside from black for details and outlines. Others it simply a voice. And even still there were many variations it could take. An infinite number admittedly.
Today's however was more monstrous. At the "edge" of this void was a monstrous looking thing. It had a mouth comprised entirely of fangs and a long draconic tongue. This mouth covered the majority of the sphere that comprised it's body. And from it's sides or backside came several tendrils. But these tendrils leaked or melted into some kind of sludge. Even the main body emitted this sludge so it might have been more fair to say the monster was a sludgy thing that had a "relative" form to work with. However unlike other iterations where definition and color were present everything about it was black. And against the black backdrop of the mental space it was immensely hard to keep track of it without staring directly at it. Even blinking could cause Ludwig to lose it if he wasn't careful.
What felt like an eternity passed between them. Neither moved nor spoke. They simply watched one another. Waiting to see who would make the first move. What would happen. But Ludwig already knew he'd have to start this interaction. His mind, especially when it fought him never took initiative. It knew eventually he'd cave and do something. And it was right. Ludwig took off the "mask" he usually wore. Except in this case it was a very "real" thing despite it usually being metaphorical. When not on his face it looked like a simple plain cover for his face with only holes for his eyes to see through being it's defining feature. Said mask broke apart in his hand. He hummed softly before glancing back at the beast and spoke out to it. "Hello void, it has been awhile since we've last acknowledged one another hasn't it? I'd be lying if I said I'm pleased to see you. I was, as always hoping our last interaction would be our last. Evidently that's not the case, so what brings you here?"
The beast chuckled, forming something of a sinister smile. The fact it was as slimy and monstrous didn't help it be anything but malicious. "Did you really think an elegant box would keep me away? Surely you're not that primitive Ludwig. For once, I actually expect better. Not that you're capable of being better but alas, perfection is the goal of all isn't it? Knowing you'll fail but striving to reach it regardless and get better in the process. Really, it's a noble goal when you think about it." It chuckled to itself as it slowly dragged itself over to Ludwig. Ludwig for his part didn't move, the form didn't phase him even. At this point their interaction wouldn't be over until it let it be over. There was no point in struggling against it as that would only make the entire event far more painful for him and drag it out.
"Alas even striving to do better is something you cannot do isn't it? Look at you. A pathetic waste of space. You breathe, eat, and relieve yourself like others. But that's all you do. You help no one. You contribute to no one. You take. You hurt. You betray. And to everyone's surprise its not just to others you do this to. You do it to yourself. And then have the gall to act upset when you see the ramifications of your actions. Pathetic is only the tip of the iceberg Ludwig Eisenhart Verrlicht. And you know this. Now stop asking questions that betray your stupidity and lets have an honest conversation for once. Starting with a real question from you. Please take your time to think it over. You have many I imagine."
Ludwig couldn't deny that this things words hit him. As impassive as he wanted to be his face was also betraying him as he was frowning and he could feel a pang in his chest that would only continue to grow in size and pain as time went on. Admittedly he wasn't entirely certain what this beast wanted him to ask. He wasn't sure what he wanted to ask. He did want to know why it was here but to be fair the questions he'd been asking himself earlier were likely a part of why it came out. Admittedly the only thing he could come up with was why. What made it decide that now was the perfect time to form him to talk rather than any other point. The beast groaned in annoyance but nevertheless deigned itself to answer Ludwig.
"Remember how I asked you not to betray your stupidity? You've mucked that right up from the get go. Regardless this is likely the "height" of what you can consider so I'll answer it regardless. I'm here now because you will finally listen. Without distraction. Without this false bravado of "I'm doing good!". Where you have to come to terms with the facts and there's no way out until you do. I'm talking about aknowledging your failures Ludwig. Those of this life and the past. Those you'd rather hide away in your ever so nice glass bottles and act like they don't exist. Life is not a cartoon, though Karvaldia would like you to believe otherwise. Not everything gets better at the end of the day. And if nothing else shows this, your constant internal rot and mental decay show this. You can't even handle reality so you have substituted it with a childish one!"
"But here. You cannot create a new reality. Here you cannot hide away. Here we can look at everything. And it all starts with you. What have you done? Absolutely nothing. You walk around the seireitei using your rank as an excuse to not be questioned. You've abandoned the squad, the "family" as you called it, and let them become akin to the old squads namesake. They are monsters in human skin Ludwig. They are the genocide squad. They are not a family unit. They are beasts. Lead by an even bigger beast. And like all beasts they kill, they consume, and they do so without regard to anyone else around them. Just because they ignore humans due to the sheer number of hollows around the world doesn't change this fact. You've seen their smiles Ludwig. You've seen how much joy they get in killing the other "animals" as they've called them. You've heard the whispers between them where they consider themselves "superior" and they can't even attain shikai. Yet here they are as "apex predators" with swords slick with the blood of others passed down by others who have fed their blades blood. Some of which wasn't even hollows or the "utterly evil arrancars". It was humans. And YOU have allowed to to occur."
"YOU have allowed them to forget themselves. And in doing so have actually done one thing for them. Failed them. Just as you failed Camilla. Just as you failed Himitsu. Just as you failed your country. Just as you failed your siblings. As you failed your own mother. You debase her gifts to you by using them to harm others. There is no worse form of "honoring" her memory or gifts. In fact its utterly disrespectful and you've known this for an incredibly long time." The beast finally took a breath but instead of continuing stared Ludwig dead in the eye. Expecting. Waiting for whatever response he could try to make. And it smiled to itself as Ludwig remained silent.
Try as Ludwig might to refute the beast wasn't wrong. He failed many. He'd allowed his squad to become something other than humane. In his mind he could argue against them being beasts but he'd seen a few of his members acting exactly like that. It was just like in the Nazi army. His fellows hurt by the enemy. The sweet vengeance and feeling of satisfaction they get by returning the pain they felt. And like before he had never been certain how to tell others how to deny it. How to grow past it. How could he? His past molded him. Even he felt and still feels anger towards other countries for actions in the past. Camilla's betrayal even continued to upset him. And there was a part that wanted to scream at her about it. But another, calmer part, reminded him of the events surrounding it. It wasn't random. And it wasn't without thought or reason. It was the squads betrayal of her that prompted it. And his subsequent near execution of her that continue to prompt her actions. That olive branch he told his subordinates to extend out he'd failed to do such. And like the beast said he'd attacked like a monster.
But what really struck deep within him was the fact that he was in fact using his mothers gifts to harm others. Though the memories still were hazy he could recall her teaching him to draw. Her office space filled with paints, brushes, various pencils, and so many other things he couldn't begin to recount all of them. And that was nothing to say of the various art pieces that were present in that space. Most of which he couldn't recall anymore. And yet he could remember the feeling of the art that they made together. It was joy. Happiness unlike anything else. And that's why he'd clung to it while at the military school. It was all he'd had left. The same joy in hiding away somewhere that he could create. The joy of taking the talent he'd had and the experience with his mother to sequester just a little place where others couldn't harm him further. It was truly the only thing he had now of her, barring a select group of hazy memories. He had to wonder if this thing had a point. How disappointed would she be by his actions? How would she feel about him using his artistic talent and creations to harm others? He couldn't know for certain. He'd unfortunately never knew her beyond the first 6 years of his life.
The beasts smile grew larger ecompassing more of it's body that is however only for a moment. It left as quickly as it came. It knew why, she was involving herself. Aggravating woman. She always did this. Ruined his time with Ludwig and prevented him from completely breaking him. Today was another such day and for as much as it frustrated him he did have to admit, the new scar on Ludwig's psyche was beautiful to see. Though the man had not realized it himself he had produced the equivalent of a hollow hole except it was over his heart. And it continued to ooze out the same pitch and grime that composed itself. It would not be leaving him anytime soon and for that despite the wenches influence he could rest easily in his box about what he had accomplished. Thus even though he was starting to get pushed back he smiled widely with so much malevolence it was surprising that Ludwig wasn't sensing it.
"Excellent. Finally using your primative brain to consider something outside of yourself. It's only taken upwards of a century to do it. I suppose the saying, "better late than never" rings true here. Alas though you should be forced to realize more truths I have not the energy to continue this. Remember though Ludwig, it's not just myself whose watching. It's your squad. Your allies. And most importantly your enemies. And they all can see you as clearly as an object behind glass. Lie to yourself if you must. Continue living in this childish fantasy land you've created if you desire. But when everything finally comes to pass, you'll be the one to have engineered it all. You cannot escape or hide away from your past, your wrongdoings. And you certainly cannot escape the repercussions of your sins. You are a failure Ludwig. Not as a man. Not as a captain. And certainly not as a shinigami. You are a failure of an individual. You refuse to learn. You refuse to acknowledge. And you continue to perpetrate the same mistakes of the past hoping that somehow you'll get it right. You are a waste of space and even in death you will find no solace from your crimes. Remember this Ludwig. Events will come to pass that could have been stayed by your hand. And you will have no one to blame but yourself.~
Ludwig let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding in. When he looked around he was back in his office. Pen in hand. Mid signing sonmething. The same raindrops in the background. And yet he could feel the "hole" in his chest, the growing weight of several invisible chains encompassing him. This was his mind fighting against him. He knew this. And it was likely biased. Twisting and turning things against him. Creating something out of nothing. And yet. . . the words sang so true that he couldn't help but feel that even if they were warped they were not wrong. He couldn't handle anymore work today. He needed to step away for awhile. Perhaps the remainder of the day. Only time would tell, for now he simply cleaned up the desk grabbed some candy and a soda and walked off. "Anywhere. . . anywhere but here. . .I'm sorry. . ."
