Many Colors of Fire

[Tsukuyomi Kawada]

Managing to get away from the Seireitei had been getting harder and harder, not only did he have his duties as the Vice Captain of the Eleventh, but his grandfather hardly allowed him enough time to actually accomplish the bare minimum in that duty. To most of the Division Tsukuyomi has a whole would seemingly hardly be present. He’d gone from one of the smallest members, but one that couldn’t be denied due to his constant training regiment along with the constant help he sought to give others. Then out of nowhere it would be like he was stolen away or killed, hardly ever appearing now.

Almost the middle of the day now with the sun high giving bright light across the whole of Seireitei and the close Rukongai Districts, the black haired Shinigami traversed the dirt roads of the forth district in the west. So many places in his short life as a Shinigami had played host to life endangering situations, places he’d fought to keep everyone safe. Why, though? It was his job as a Shinigami right, so why did he receive nothing beyond failure, judgment and punishment. His body hurts more now everyday then he would have thought possible without suffering immediate damage in combat.

Months and months of constant torture at the hands of his grandfather had changed Tsukuyomi. Although physically he didn’t appear all that different. Bruises, cuts, sunken eyes and dry skin he looked like a teenager that’d been beaten up after staying awake for several nights with no sleep. The smell was palpable to everyone within an arm's reach of him. Bathing was a form of pleasure, something he didn’t deserve, instead he received a bucket of cold water to be dropped on him while in his cell. He was a prisoner not just in name now. Even now after escaping from the Kawada compound he was certain the Phoenix Force was watching him.

He didn’t know why, but for the moment his grandfather was allowing him to roam. If he stepped out of line though he wasn’t certain he’d be allowed to repent again. In the words of his grandfather he’d failed to many times before, he was a disgrace that only suited the family with the position he’d been allowed to claim. A weakling that was going to hold the position long enough for another true Kawada to rise up. Fresh air felt nice now after only picking up on his own scent for several days.

Practicing with Mikoto and Honshitsu was the only thing he wanted, just to use his zanpakuto once again. Going to the barracks of the Eleventh though meant he’d just have to handle more of the duties. He fought off the drive to visit the Seventh, knowing Captain Shihoin no longer led the Seventh, nor was she his captain. “Could she even do anything? Killing grandfather, it’d just start a war. One I’m not likely to survive.” Mumbling to himself now Tsukuyomi didn’t even realize he’d been wandering to an area of the district, one of solitude slightly away from the village in the grassy plains stretching out for miles. He could practice here away from others until eventually he’d be found and dragged back to his cell. Little did he know though he wasn’t the only one out here.

[Kaen Youji]

Kaen's days usually began early, as his duties as lieutenant of the 7th Division kept him pretty busy. Among those duties (and the one he enjoyed most) was maintaining a high level of fighting strength. He was the representative of Squad 7, once known throughout Soul Society as its strongest squad. Martial training was something Kaen took very seriously, and practice was usually the first thing he did in the morning. So here he was, out in the Squad 7 training grounds, tumbling, striking and whirling amidst a blizzard of cherry blossoms from the trees planted around the fighting grounds. This had been a meticulously perfect place to practice and develop his Shattering Palm technique. Cherry blossoms were in such numbers and so very susceptible to the displacement of air pressure that they had become an integral gauge of the tightly controlled air pressure of the technique. Nowadays, Kaen had mastered the technique to the point that it was second nature to him, but nonetheless it added a brilliant atmosphere to the ring as well.

"Lieutenant Youji." Kaen looked over to see a shorthaired man in the traditional Shihakusho kneeling at the edge of the ring. Lien, one of the more promising officers in the division. While he still had a ways to go, Kaen had to admit his talent at swordsmanship and kido was growing quickly, and while Kaen certainly didn't need to go all out to defeat him, he was beginning to prove a helpful sparring partner.

"Lien. Come on then. Join me for some morning exercise." Lien was an amiable man, but also rigid when it came to the rules and propriety. His brow furrowed. "I actually only came to deliver the morning report, lieutenant." Kaen shrugged. "Tell it to me while we spar. I know you already have it memorized." His officer at least had the sense to blush at the statement, but he rose to his feet, leaving the scroll beside him, and drawing his Zanpakuto.

"As you command, lieutenant." The two circled each other, Kaen drawing Hachiryu from its sheath on his back, watching each other's movements like hawks. Lien had adopted a traditional kenjutsu stance, while Kaen's blade was held low at waist height. A kodachi was best suited for defense after-all.

"No major incidents in the last two days." Lien sprang into action, his katana slicing with perfect technique. A clean cut from jodan. Kaen met the blow force-to-force with his Kodachi and attempted to bind the blade so he could close the gap, but Lien stepped off-line and away. "As per standard issue, we've been maintaining vigil on all high ranking officers in the Gotei 13 for unusual behavior. Captain Odayakama seems to currently be in much higher spirits than usual, but otherwise continues to run her division effectively."

Kaen drove forward, with a series of aggressive cuts designed to draw out a defense from Lien, but his sparring partner was wise to Kaen's measure after countless matches, and did not fall for it, instead feinting with a thrust and then delivering a rising cut, that Kaen sidestepped. Lien brought his weapon back to chudan to ward Kaen off from a forward charge. "Little has been noted from Captain Shihoin that we've noticed. Captain Tezuka is reserved as always, and frankly it remains difficult to keep tabs on him due to the dangers posed by the 12th." Kaen battered Lien's blade aside with a stabbing rush, that almost got close enough, but Lien threw himself to the left in (Kaen had to admit) a well executed shoulder roll, coming up to a knee and slashing low. Kaen sprang backwards into a backflip to dodge the low cut, landing some seven feet from Lien who had regained his footing.

"Among lieutenants, Ken'ichi Shihoin hasn't been seen out of Squad 12 in some time. Notable as he was one of the squads more active field agents for a time." Lien raised back up to jodan-no-kamae and took a half-step forwards as a feint-- one that Kaen fell for, the lieutenant slashing through the air he'd expected Lien's weapon to cut, before Lien delivered the strike for real, forcing Kaen to bat the weapon aside with a palm strike to the flat of the blade-- at least Lien wasn't yet skilled as the Princess had been, to counter that move. "Other than that, the only update is that Tsukuyomi Kawada was recently seen in the Rukongai. The inner districts. It looked like he'd been in a fight, as he was pretty bruised up."

Kaen raised an eyebrow in consideration. He'd never really met Tsukuyomi Kawada. Not a tremendous deal to him-- he was long past the point where he'd gone beating up other Vice Captains for clout. So if Tsukuyomi had wanted to be a hermit he was welcome to it. But then a memory came to him of his recent meeting with Kimiko Nakajima.... She hadn't seen Tsukuyomi herself in awhile... Kaen sighed a bit. "Well. I guess I owe Nakajima a favor." Lien struck out at Kaen with such speed and ferocity that his blade was little more than a silver blur. Kaen's riposte was with such strength that Lien's sword was slammed from his hand, and in the next beat Kaen's hand was above his chest in the position of a spearhand strike.

"You're improving Lien. That feint was excellent, and so was that shoulder roll. Now I want you to start building muscle. If you're going to face me head to head, you need the strength to meet me head to head. I'm assigning you to the strength program as soon as I'm back from Tsukuyomi, but if you want to get started, let's start with one thousand pushups and one thousand squats by sundown today. Do them in whatever sets you feel is appropriate. I'll catch up with you later." Kaen and Lien exchanged a short bow, and then Kaen was off to the Rukongai....

------------------------------------------

All things considered it hadn't been too hard to find Tsukuyomi. Kaen had merely asked around and when he started hearing that people had indeed seen an injured looking Shinigami wandering around, seemingly direction-less, it was easy enough to follow the trail to the field Tsukuyomi was currently moving through.

"You know, Squad 4 has treatment facilities if you're beaten up. Who did that to you?" Kaen asked when he finally located the other Vice Captain. "Also, while I'm not one to talk, you probably owe your Captain to say hi to them once in awhile." He added, approaching Tsukuyomi.

"I don't think we've ever been formally introduced, but I'm Kaen Youji of the Seventh Division. Pardon if I'm walking in on your brooding. When I hear about a lieutenant class Shinigami wandering around with injuries I get insatiably curious about what kind of beast did that to them." Despite a number of probing questions or statements, Kaen's body language and demeanor seemed friendly enough, but then he usually did present that way to others. Always putting on a friendly face. If Kaen was glaring at you, you'd probably done something to earn it.

[Tsukuyomi Kawada]

Did some rod the other feel like this as well? A question that wandered throughout Tsukuyomi’s mind as he held Mikoto and Honshitsu in his hands for the first time in weeks. He’d picked them up and put them at his hips to travel, but right now in the grassy field was the first time he could really feel them again. The texture of both handles, the embrace was something that couldn’t be put into words, almost like he’d been missing a piece of himself. He had to wonder though if other Shinigami felt this way as well or if the source of his shame only amplified the loneliness that had been consuming him.

Although his body was sore, the mere motion of bringing Mikoto through the air in front of him was astonishing. He’d put so much of his time into his zanpakuto like most Shinigami, but going without them for so long now. He couldn’t comprehend just how different it felt to have them again, that beautiful realization turned to cold fear though when the inevitable conclusion slammed into his psyche, his grandfather would take them from him again. It wouldn’t be long either, he’d hear the same thing once again. That he didn’t deserve them as a Black Phoenix.

Tsukuyomi didn’t even hear the approach of someone else, getting caught off guard like a fresh recruit form the academy by the Vice Captain of Division Seven, his former superior and no equal in ranks, Kaen Youji. Although Tsukuyomi had been in Division Seven originally, he’d never really interacted with Kaen, as Kimiko took a more direct role training him along with the other seated officers. Tsukuyomi had no idea why it happened that way, but Kaen never gave him any ill will either. Asking questions though that was something Tsukuyomi couldn’t allow, knowing that it would only lead to the Kawada harming others around him further.

“A Hollow strangely, small like us, faster than me yet strong like Captain Shihoin. Blades on its forearms that I couldn’t manage to break, but felt like they’d cleave me apart. Although it’s our duty I hope to never cross it again.”

Tsukuyomi didn’t know what to say about seeing his current Captain, having helped train her as well. The position of Captain something he at one point aspired to reach yet now like everything else it was dead. The Kawada couldn’t allow a half breed to become Captain, it’d require too much effort to conceal him further. Grandfather gained the most by having him stay the Vice Captain and nothing more. He’d nearly died a few times and yet this torment was worse than everything else. Tsukuyomi found himself for the first time wishing he could have just stayed in the Rukongai with his mother, a little blind boy.

“You sound just like Captain Shihoin, Lieutenant Youji. She’s one of the few I can think of that seeks out death so relentlessly. Is there anything I can do to ease your interest beyond further explaining the Hollow?”

[Kaen Youji]

Kaen was surprised to see Tsukuyomi so alarmed by his arrival, but brushed it off. But man did the guy look tense. Anxiety wrought his features like they were etched in stone. Kaen was good at reading people-- came with the job, but he doubted he needed his extensive training to tell just how uncomfortable Tsukuyomi was to have been found out here. No, Kaen's presence here was unwelcome, though he was unsure why. "Huh... Is it because I punched your family's head in the face, so hard he never appeared in public again?" Kaen asked, apparently out of nowhere. "Wait, sorry, that part was suppose to be in my head." He quickly stated. Oops. "Idiot." "For once I deserve that one." You deserve it very often boy! Yeah, but not from you.

Oh right. Tsukuyomi was here.

Kaen quickly tried to recover from his accidental blurting out, focused on the moment. "There's a Hollow out here?" He looked around. "And it gave you a hard time? Strange... Someone should have sensed it then. Squad 12's gotten the detectors up and running last I heard, and for all I say about them, they're usually pretty savvy about this kind of thing." He commented. "Anyways, that's a strange answer. Why would you hope to never cross paths with it again?" He asked. "It's just a Hollow. A strong one too. I'd think you'd want to encounter it again, so you could sharpen your skills even more." Maybe Tsukuyomi didn't take training as seriously as Kaen? Huh. Man, Shade would have been disappointed if that was the case. "Strength worthy of a noble" and all that jazz. Not that Kaen put any real stock in that sort of talk, but Shade Kawada and Kenryoku Kawada certainly had.

"But you're mistaking me. I don't seek out death at all. I mean. Outside of job duties and all that. I look for challenges, not death. A fight is a challenge, death is just business." He replied, and the casualness of his tone might have been seen as cold to some. But.... Tsukuyomi was a Kawada and from Kaen's experience they were an icy lot. All stiff and stern and trying their best to look intimidating. "But yeah actually, I was checking in on you. You've barely shown your face in Soul Society in awhile. As a lieutenant and a noble, that's noticeable. Your Captain's been worried about you. Last I spoke with Kimiko-- err. Captain Nakajima, she said she barely knew you at all. You should probably go and help alleviate her worries, you know? You and her are supposed to be a team."

Boy, did your family recently purchase some new land, because that is rich coming from you.

[Tsukuyomi Kawada]

Tsukuyomi was a little surprised to hear what Kaen said due to the fact he didn’t know someone had actually done such a thing while the other being that he didn’t care in the least. The Kawada were a family that Tsukuyomi had believed he wanted and something that when he found out he was a part of actually gave him joy. That joy though turned to ash in his mouth not long after and now that ash had infected his blood leaving nothing in his own eyes but an abomination that didn’t have any good from the get-go, something that should just be left alone. Tsukuyomi all the same didn’t really know how to respond to what Kaen said although he dismissed it. Kaen may be able to hear Tsukuyomi mutter to himself softly.

“He probably deserved much worse.”

The more and more that Kaen spoke, Tsukuyomi felt like the ends of his lips were struggling to actually move upright, to form a smile for the first time in months. He’d always known that Captain Shihoin liked Kaen due to his strength and yet now hearing the way he spoke along with the challenge of facing down a Hollow such as he described. “You really sound just like her. I don’t think I have much room for growth left. Not all of us have endless potential. Just hope that if I am present I’ll be of some use even if only a little.” Why would he say that though? He knew such a thing was beyond him, he never managed to accomplish anything.

He’d fought against numerous threats to Soul Society and always lost. Kitai had played with him for a little bit before shattered his zanpakuto and left him on the ground with multiple ruptured organs. He was lucky to escape death only to face it once again shortly after when crossing paths against an Arrancar. One that didn’t even need to bother against him, one that possessed raw power leagues above his own and yet cut him down like a parent abusing a child. How could he lose in a sword fight against someone else and still take pride in his so-called talent. Time after time he always tried and yet almost always failed with his body on the ground or worse everything around him burned.

“Captain Nakajima won’t have to worry for much longer, there’s nothing worth worrying about anymore. I handle the paperwork and have been, but I don’t think you’ll be able to consider me a colleague for much longer.”

[Kaen Youji]

Kaen raised an eyebrow in answer to Tsukuyomi's comment about Shade. Not that he disagreed but it was a different matter to hear a Kawada say that about the man who had borderline singlehandedly restored the family to prominence-- sufficient enough to be known as one of the now Five Great Noble Houses of Soul Society, after centuries of being known as merely another Noble Family of the Seireitei. And honestly, even now, Kaen could not find it in himself to be too critical of Shade. While Shade had certainly pushed the ideals of noble supremacy-- a view Kaen disagreed with, he did acknowledge that Shade had worked himself to the bone to justify his position. If nothing else, the man was no hypocrite. Kaen disagreed with Shade's final position but not the means he took to get there.

The Kawada's somber attitude didn't really phase Kaen one way or the other. While he wouldn't have picked a student of Kimiko Nakajima's to be so gloomy, he'd seen all sorts in his years in the Gotei 13. Heck, even Senshi could be considered pretty gloomy at times. "Maybe? But nobody knows what their potential is. Maybe you're right, or maybe you're near a breakthrough. You won't know if you don't push your limits." He countered. "Besides, you're a lieutenant in the Gotei 13 what are you talking about not being of any use? You alone are more effective than a hundred lesser officers."

Ordinarily Kaen might have been relieved by Tsukuyomi's follow-up as well, but something about it..... The lieutenant's eyes narrowed. "Oi. I hope for your sake that that "Captain Nakajima won't have to worry for much longer" is because you're gonna step up and start being more active in your division, and not because you're about to do something stupid." He stated. "I've seen the Eleventh right now, and while she's a good teacher, none of her subordinates are halfway to dealing with Vice Captain level problems." He stated sternly.

Kaen moved closer to get up in Tsukuyomi's face. "Soul Society's in chaos right now. This is not an age for self doubt. We're beset on all sides by enemies, and need every able bodied Shinigami we can, lest we be forced to take inhumane measures. Already they're trying to recruit anyone with a hint of spiritual pressure from the Rukongai to shape into cannon fodder. Hoping desperately that even one of the thousands we're pulling in, will be able to replace even one of the officers we've lost lately. Soul Society is in a grim place right now, you can't go talking like you're about to bow out." He stated to Tsukuyomi in a stern voice that brokered no disagreement.

[Tsukuyomi Kawada]

Standing and talking to another something that at one point had been frustrating, at another had just been accepted and now after everything he’d been put through it was something he hadn’t really realized he craved for. Interaction with someone else was now like a breath of fresh air after being confined inside of a latrean longer than one can feasibly tolerate. How could something he would dread now feel like something grand. Tsukuyomi almost felt like he had to smile at Kaen’s remark about his potential and being on the breaking point of some new level. In his own eyes he’d already reached everything available to him.

His grandfather had beaten it into him that he wasn’t a true shinigami nor a Kawada. Some sort of abomination mistake that only served to strengthen the name. Tsukuyomi had fought against such things at first, but after suffering defeat after defeat his confidence along with self respect died while he survived. Kitai had managed to discriminate him with no effort while the Arrancar toyed with him. How could he pose no threat with his zanapkuto, how could he be comparable to a toddler attempting to duel a master. No, Kaen was wrong the next time he fought against someone above him, it was likely to be the last time his name could be described in battle.

“Perhaps at some point that was true, but now I’m not so certain. A seventh seat could more than likely best me now.” Kaen getting more assertive was met with nothing, just more of the same muted expression from the much younger Vice Captain. “Step up? You have seen the Eleventh have you? If such were true then you’d know for the longest time I handled the Divison without a Captain. That Nakajima isn’t someone that taught me, but in fact the opposite. You should know what it’s like to run a Division with no leader.” Tsukuyomi stopped his voice beginning to actually show emotion to possess heat and yet stopped in the middle of his words.

“Perhaps you’re just stronger than me, it wouldn’t surprise me. Captain Shihoin did speak highly of you. What you speak of though is the same thing that’s been happening forever. I cannot remember Soul Society ever not being at war with someone. Right now our enemies are stronger and there are more of them. I’m from the filth, but what I see now, what I feel now is empty.” Tsukuyomi couldn’t get the images of those two damned monsters from his mind. “To be ignored, to be left laying on the ground as something so insignificant to an enemy they don’t even feel it’s necessary to kill you. I used to feel proud to wear this badge, but I don't deserve it.”

[Kaen Youji]

"I doubt it." Kaen replied in answer to Tsukuyomi's query about his lack of strength. "But you're welcome to find out. Your Captain is very martially minded, I have no doubt she'd be able to assess you quite effectively." A small shrug of the shoulders. "And if not, isn't that just motivation to climb back up to where your strength resided before?" It was an alien concept to Kaen to not want to constantly strive to be your best. Even at the absolute lowest he had ever been, a time filled with dark thoughts and murderous intent, he had still ever been driven to maintain his strength. But perhaps that was because Kaen's goals lay in physical power, in his personal abilities, in a way that Tsukuyomi's goals did not. A thought began brewing in Kaen's mind.

At Tsukuyomi's almost-barbed comment, Kaen didn't flinch. "Yeah. It's a lot of work. Too much work for any one person. And now you're leaving Kimiko in that same position if you back out now. Last I checked your division doesn't even have a third officer right now, she's not like to find someone that can fill in the lieutenant role anytime soon. She needs a right hand, and you're the one who is wearing that badge at this time." Kaen stated.

"As for Soul Society always being at war, that's not true. There was a time in my lifetime that we weren't. Shinigami were keepers of balance. XCution wasn't a thing, the Vandenreich were unknown, and while Las Noches existed, that's all it did. It just kind of.... existed, a fortress in Hueco Mundo, where Hollows and arrancar converged and did their own thing. It wasn't until Kouhai stepped forward and Satsujuun turned his back on the Seireitei that we truly developed foes worthy of being called enemies." Kaen stated. "It's been a tumultuous couple of centuries, sure, but it's only been a few centuries in our long history. I believe peace can return again... even if relevant, but we have to make it through this first."

The thought that had begun to coalesque in Kaen's mind finally took shape. "What do you want Tsukuyomi Kawada?" Kaen asked. "And I don't mean in the immediate moment, or a few days from now or whatever. You're talking to me about leaving this all behind... in one way, or in a significantly worse one. Why? And don't give me garbage about how you don't deserve it or whatever. Shinigami are like Humans, we're driven by our desires, and the only reason you'd say such things is if you wanted something out of it. So what is it that you want?"

[Tsukuyomi Kawada]

Carrying on a conversation with someone that likely his grandfather wouldn’t even want him speaking with was something that Tsukuyomi didn’t anticipate, nor something he would really have wanted yet was happening now. He’d explained how he felt and just like he expected everything was met with multiple reasons why he needed to just suck it all up and keep doing what was already pushing him to his breaking point. If he kept doing this then his soul really wouldn’t survive when his emotions already were essentially broken. No matter what he said it was always met with why he had to keep doing it all otherwise he was making things harder for someone else. Tsukuyomi’s blank expression though wouldn’t shift at all until he heard about how he would make things worse for his Captain with what he was thinking.

His eyes twitch at such words and anger actually boils within the depths of his stomach for a moment. Remembering how Kaen had pushed away and marked his former teacher as nothing, made everything a problem for her without ever giving her the chance and now he stood here saying something like this to him. His expression would be easy to identify and yet almost right away it would vanish, snuffed out as even that flame inside fizzles into smoke. “Soul Society has been at war longer than I’ve been alive. You may remember peace, but that doesn’t mean it will return.”

“What do I want? I don’t know. I’ve no goal now, nor a want to be better. I just don’t think I can keep living like this. I’m hoping that sooner rather than later someone will put an end to this meager life. You may put your wants first like you claim all others do, but I can’t remember the last time . . .” Tsukuyomi paused, not even sure what to say. He didn’t believe he got his position as the Vice Captain now on anything other than his last name. He didn’t have anyone that loved him nor someone he could claim to love. He didn’t have any sort of goal to strive towards now anyone that could pull him from the depths of depression that his family had thrown him down into. A boy born with virtually nothing who’s lost his mother now just wishing he could join her.

[Kaen Youji]

Kaen was aware of the hypocrisy of what he was saying to Tsukuyomi. To press upon him the duties and responsibilities of a lieutenant when he'd shirked his. And he had no excuse for that. He had reasons, yes, but not excuses. A part of him wanted Tsukuyomi to try to call him on it. Just to try it. Kaen was well prepared for such a discourse, it wasn't as though Tsukuyomi could say anything to him that he hadn't said to himself many, many times, and maybe it would help shake his own convictions a little, like it had his own. In his own mind, Kaen was mentally daring Tsukuyomi to say something on that subject. And he could see it on Tsukuyomi's face for a moment that he wanted to say it.

"It certainly won't if people don't do something." Kaen answered Tsukuyomi's depressing thought. "I intend to do my part in that. I have no idea what that part is, but I'm going to keep trying things until something works out." Or until I die. That's a cheerful thought. Kaen mentally added. He certainly wasn't a stranger to death seeking, but you needed to make sure your death accomplished something at least. Tsukuyomi didn't seem to have that in mind, it looked to Kaen's eyes like he was simply pursuing his end at this point. Or at least that's what it looked like, and Kaen very much hoped he was wrong.

But despite his thoughts, Kaen could be a good listener when he put his mind to it, and did his best to hear Tsukuyomi out. "I mean that's a fair answer, but let's get a little more vague then. So you don't want something specific, but nobody, and I mean nobody, wants to die for no reason." He paused. "And I mean that in both senses of the phrase." He crossed his arms, as a breeze blew through the field, rustling the grass and tousling Kaen's mess of hair.

"You've got no goal or want to be better. That's fine. Not everyone strives to improve themselves. Sometimes it just happens as a consequence of things. I'm not gonna pretend to know what's going on in your life. We're not that close, hell, I think this is the first time we've had a proper conversation that's not been purely professional." He added. "So I'm not gonna presume anything but this. Whatever you're going through isn't because of something, it's because the absence of something. But when I ask what you want, it can be vague. Even as simple as: "I want to have a reason. I want to stop.... whatever it is going on with you." He shrugged. "And if you're talking like this, it's pretty apparent you do want to stop this. You don't talk about hoping someone kills you unless there's something going on in your head, or your life that you want to stop." His eyes darkened for a minute.

"For me it was the shame, and grief." He stated, simply and plainly.

[Tsukuyomi Kawada]

Tsukuyomi continued to try and listen to Kaen, to actually hear him out and hear what he was saying, but the little bit of emotion that broke through the internal suffering just wasn’t surging up again. After he spoke once again Tsukuyomi turned around, no longer feeling like he even had to look at Kaen. He was too much like his former Captain, he wasn’t going to leave at least not yet, not before he saw just how hopeless and useless he’d become now. He wasn’t a shinigami worth saving nor one that deserved others to invest their time in. He was a soldier that at this point was only good for stacking up bodies before his own dropped down on the field of war. Everything he said was the truth and now he had to sit and question when the last time he actually did something for himself was, for so long now all he did was follow orders.

“A part to play?”

Tsukuyomi heard Kaen spout off such a meaning and yet all Tsukuyomi could recall when thinking of his own part in the war was black flames. He tried for so long now to live up to the last name he didn’t even know was his most of his life. He’d come from nothing and strived to become the greatest ever. To make a name for himself as a stray soul from the Rukongai. That dream and his life in its entirety he could see now was snuffed out. All of it was stolen by his grandfather, by the Kawada family that didn’t care about him nor his mother. She’d been the only family he ever had and despite everything all he wanted was to see her again. He wanted to know how his family could be like this and whether or not it was really true that she’d been left a cripple or if she was just hiding away from grandfather, like he wanted to right now.

The breeze rolling through the grassy field was enough that Tsukiyuomi’s long black hair rose up off his shoulders moving up and over like water dancing along the body of a stone. “Try as long as you want to justify my reasons, you’ll go mad before finding the conclusion. I don’t really have the complete answer myself. All I’m aware of is that I should have stayed in the Rukongai. At least there I could have starved and passed away like going to sleep. I could have died like so many others, a casualty in someone else’s struggle of power. I’m young and yet can’t handle the weight of our world any longer. If you seek to help me then just plunge your zanpakuto through me. The best outcome I can think of now is everything drowning to black like falling asleep.” Tsukuyomi closed his eyes as his hair stopped and fell over his face and shoulders. He really didn’t care anymore, he just wanted the suffering at the hands of his grandfather to stop. The loyal, competitive and headstrong shinigami was dead, a corpse sat in his body, one that just wished to be placed in the dirt.

[Kaen Youji]

Kaen shrugged. "Yeah. If you don't think you have it then find it." He answered. "You have advantages most Shinigami don't. You have a noble house's name behind you. You have the strength of a lieutenant; something unattainable for most Shinigami throughout the Seireitei. You have training and connections you could use if you chose to use them." He stated. "Seems to me, there's a lot of things you have working in your favor, you just need to find a goal to point them at."

Kaen wasn't dismissing Tsukuyomi's arguments either, but he was aiming to engage with them. "I'm not justifying anything. We established that I don't know you Tsukuyomi. I wouldn't know your reasons or your purpose or what's going on in your head. But it seems like a huge waste for you to just want to die in a ditch, when you could do so much more." Hell, even when Kaen was at his lowest, he at least wanted to make sure he took Enma down to Hell with him when he went-- or die in the attempt. Not happy times, not happy thoughts, but it still seemed a step up from where Tsukuyomi was.

"I'm not gonna kill you, why would I do that? Besides you're a Shinigami, you know it doesn't stop there anyways. Not unless I was a Quincy, but... Well. I'm not. So there's that. But fine, take a sabbatical or something. What's so heavy about the world that you can't hold it up anymore? Don't get me wrong, I know there's plenty of crap out there and plenty of reasons to say it, but you don't even seem to have a reason for saying it. At least not one that you've said to me."

[Tsukuyomi Kawada]

Tsukuyomi felt like despite not really knowing Kaen he’d already allowed the man to see all the blood seeping from his heart. Kaen didn’t struggle nor falter though, Tsukuyomi knew for certain that he was perhaps one of the most loyal shinigami now. At least that’s how he perceived things now while struggling to keep the thoughts of his mother at bay. How unfair his life had been that he never got to see what she looked like. Born blind and only obtained vision through the lineage of his father after her death. Kaen spoke and yet the things he said weren’t wrong when regarding the typical noble. To Tsukuyomi everything was twisted, instead of being a benefit everything Kaen said was a negative.

He didn’t have a name he could utilize to help him, there was nothing more to gain that he hadn’t already achieved and his family wouldn’t approve of any of his wants or desires. Obtaining the rank of Captain or even getting something as simple as a room to himself in the manor was out of the question. He was a placeholder for the Kawada, something for them to use like a picture. He’d tried in the past to get things only for his requests to be dismissed or taken from him and then punishment inflicted against him by his grandfather. He was a tool to them and this tool was cracked in more than one place ready to shatter apart at any moment.

Kaen kept pushing through trying to give him some enforcement that he meant something, that he had options. Igniting one of the few sparks still alive within his dying heart. His family were monsters that didn’t care about him and his previous experience as a shinigami had proven not just to him, but everyone else that he wasn’t worth much. When that loud idiot had attacked he’d barely been enough to hold him back for a couple seconds. He’d been toyed with by an Arrancar who wasn’t even an Espada. He’d caused enough death to deserve it himself. So why? Why should he stay and continue to mess everything up? That’s when something clicked in place. He’d met others!

He didn’t have to stay in Soul Society!

Vesta and Jak were both Nakkabakki just like him except with different parentage, but they both lived mostly normal lives in the human world. He could go there, get his hands on a gigai and . . . disappear? “I’m just not sure I’m worth anything more than a name and rank, Kaen. Thanks for trying to find something else though. I’m going to give what you’ve said some thought.” Tsukuyomi did his best to try looking at Kaen, but despite the dark bags beneath his eyes there would be something alive in his silver eyes now. Tsukuyomi had to free himself from the literal Hell that he was trapped in and the worse case situation of this all would be, getting found by either Hell.

[Kaen Youji]

Kaen gave Tsukuyomi a hard look. "And I'm not worth anything more than my fists. Nobody's gonna come along and hand you your purpose, and if they do, they have an ulterior motive. Figuring out your value is a personal decision. You should get out more. There's a lot of people across all three worlds that have no ties to anyone and they've figured out who they want to be. I know you just got back from.... wherever you were, but maybe a sabbatical would do you some good. Just. You know. At least let your Captain know you're okay first?" He suggested.

The lieutenant sighed, crossing his arms. "Anyways, I've done my bit. Talk to Captain Nakajima before you do anything stupid, okay Tsukuyomi?" Kaen started to walk past the other lieutenant again, heading back towards the Seireitei and his own responsibilities. "Oh and get yourself checked in to Squad 4 to have those injuries looked at. I have friends in that squad, if you don't get them treated, I'll know." He warned.

Then there was a Shunpo. And then silence.

[Tsukuyomi Kawada]

This was what he’d been needing, a clear answer to the problem that he’d been suffering through for what seemed almost like forever now. In reality it’s only been a few years, but it’d been long enough that he didn’t feel like the same person he used to be anymore. No, that was the answer that he had been looking for now for the last several years. He wasn’t treated like a shinigami by his family. He was a slave to them and whether or not he at one point had been respected, had authority, had actual goals and pride. All of that was gone now because of what his family had been doing to him. He didn’t want to live life like this anymore and while it was something he never wanted to do nor expected he would, he had to leave. His time as a shinigami was over and that meant he had to leave Soul Society and begin a new life in the human world and just try his hardest to stay under the radar. He didn’t really know anything about the human world beyond what he had seen and done while he’d gone there and what some of his acquaintances had told him.

Sighing now as he looked out at the horizon again Tsukuyomi had another look of sorrow wishing that he’d just left years ago now. He could have left with Vesta. The same conclusion yet alongside someone else that he got along with and knew more about the world. Shaking his head quickly though his long black hair covers his face and his heart beats between his ears. No, if he was going to make this decision and go along with it then he couldn’t rely on anyone else because it could always lead to either himself or them getting caught and imprisoned or worse. Tsukuyomi Kawada had to die, disappear in order for a New Moon to rise up in the human world.

So that’s what he would do, he’d return to the Eleventh Division in the late night. A potentially horrible decision as his grandfather would have members of the Kawada watching. He was out past his curfew now and the moment he was caught he’d be thrown back in that box to rot for another week or maybe even a month now. He had one thing to do left in Soul Society now. A sign of respect to the Division for which he helped run for quite a big piece of his life now. It may not have been the longest part of his existence, but it definitely had contributed the most to who he was now whether that was good or bad. Leaving his badge as the Vice Captain in his office, Tsukuyomi would vanish leaving Soul Society for the Human World and the hopes that he was starting a new pleasant chapter of his life.