I-I'm Blushing [Social]

[Senshi Odayakama (Crimson.)]

She was getting past this phase. Senshi was just discharged from the hospital and she was free to go, albeit after quite a while without walking, and also recovering from the damage, she felt herself nearly tripping when standing. She was given leg braces...which helped considerably at the moment. She felt better...much better than before, and looking at herself, she could feel the lasting scars, both physical and mental in this endeavor. Her arm was not the biggest loss in her encounter with Amalia, it was her pride. Though that was a dangerous thing for a person to hold onto. Brushing a few strands of her red hair out of her face, she walked out from the Squad 4 Barracks and she realized she would be meeting up with Kaen at his barracks, particularly for something she’d never thought she’d have, a date.

It took her awhile to comprehend that as her cheeks flushed, and then she looked down to herself. She wasn’t exactly beautiful, but she wasn’t ugly either. She wasn’t strong, but she apparently wasn’t weak. She wasn’t rich, but she was rich in other ways. Yet, when she thought about Kaen, he seemed so perfect, someone that you could be around and appreciate him for what he was. That flush only reddened as she rubbed her forehead with her free arm. Taking off at a faster pace, she moved on, to her new current residence, the Kasumi’Oji manor. She didn’t say anything to anyone...and she didn’t expect to see Himitsu around due to his busy nature. So, instead, she walked into her room that was given to her, and she tried thinking about what she was going to do! She was so indecisive, and yet she had to be.

Going through what few outfits she had in the closet, she decided that maybe she should try something different, but modest enough. She looked through, found a nice top, some skinny jeans for this fall weather, a bracelet maybe, and then she looked in the mirror and tried smiling to herself, to see if she liked the way she was. “I don’t know...I-I don’t know if this is me.” She tried waving, feeling how the clothes fit on her, and then looked at herself from the backwards perspective. Well...maybe she should give it a try. She needed to get all nice for the day. A shower was needed...and then she groomed her messy red hair, whatever good that did her, and she decided...why not leave it long and free for the time being? It wasn’t as if she was going to be fighting Hollow or other people in this state.

So, heading off for the Squad 7 barracks, the redheaded lady didn’t wear her robes, she was off duty and she was going to try and enjoy what time she had off for her recuperation. Yet, her heart was uneasy, thumping almost, as she wondered constantly what Kaen was going to think about her. She imagined a number of scenarios in her head. “Oh...you look nice.” She imagined it with a feigned look as she knew she didn’t...she probably looked horrible with a missing arm. It was then she ran back, or attempted to, throwing over her stump an arm wrapping of sorts, tying a portion of it off to hide it. It was considerate...and it made her feel just a little better. She almost fought herself to go back when leaving again, trying to think of what else to improve herself, but she stopped. She needed to just...do something.

So, within fifteen minutes, she arrived at the Squad 7 barracks, her head down as she slowly walked inside looking for the man. “U-Umm...e-excuse me, do you know where Fukutaicho Youji is?” There was a shrug, and the Shinigami mentioned he was probably in the training ground. Well, Senshi nodded and bowed politely before feeling that heart beating intensify. She walked to the left wing, a look of uncertainty in her face. She stopped. Maybe this was all a mistake. Maybe she should...just head back and try to get more rest. Slowly walking forward again, she took deep breaths, trying to shake this feeling of embarrassment and shame. Kaen was a nice guy...and she was sure that if he’d judge her, he wouldn’t too harshly if at all.

SPOILER: Click to show

{Spoiler}

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[Kaen Youji]

Kaen was sitting off the side in Squad 7's training grounds, staring intently into the center of the grounds, as if in contemplation. He'd clearly picked up some injuries since Senshi had last seen him. His right arm in particular, had a terrific scar around his shoulder area, as if something had pierced the shoulder, and then exploded while still inside the wound. Both of the Shinigami's arms bore numerous, barely healed scars. The Vice Captain may have had all his limbs attached, but it seemed that wasn't necessarily a blessing. One might suppose, however, the existence of these scars was unusual. The wound to the shoulder excepting, the scars forming on his arms appeared to be of the variety that Squad 4 could have resolved easily. Yet there they were. Kaen himself in his standard shinigami attire, the modified uniform designed to be sleeveless, hence the very visible scarring.

After several moments, Kaen finally seemed to pick up Senshi's presence and turned to look at her. His eyes were different than she'd likely remember. On their first meeting, Kaen had been filled with a fierce determination, but also a certain exuberance and cheerfulness. The eyes now had a very different look to them. Not dead though. There was still a fire in them. But the nature of that light had changed. It was the difference between seeing a roaring campfire, versus a burning building. Though they both produced light, there was a clear difference between the two, and it was this that probably most adequately reflected the look in Kaen's eyes.

"Long time no see Senshi." He commented, as he got up to approach her. "That's a nice outfit. It suits you." He added. His eyes flickered over her missing arm, and he frowned. "How is your recovery coming?" He asked. Seeing how the last time he'd seen Senshi, she'd been in critical condition in a hospital, it seemed a fair question. "And...." He paused for a moment. He wasn't going to bring focus to the arm if she didn't. "I'm guessing you're here for me. Come on." He intoned, and started leading Senshi through the barracks, to his quarters. The office of the Vice Captain. It wasn't far from the training zone (probably by request), and when Kaen took Senshi there, and it spoke a bit of the character of the one who dwelled there. A desk, covered by mountains of paperwork in one corner of the room, alongside massive pillars of more paperwork still shunted off to the side. A large banner of a flame crest was hung behind the desk, identical to the one emblazoned on Kaen's back. A modest, but full book case near the desk, next to a filing cabinet. Toward the center of the room was a couch not unlike the human world, where several trays that had clearly once held food, lay scattered around. A small table was set up next to it, upon which seemed to be arrayed several photographs, and a lone sheet of paper. A set of weights and a number of bokkens and staves lay in the corner nearest the door, while a training dummy was set up opposite. The last corner of the room was shut off by a sliding, paper wall, though it was open just enough to show the corner of a futon behind it. Overall, a fairly simple dwelling.

"You're welcome to wait here, while I just throw on something that I haven't just trained in." Kaen offered, while heading into the walled off corner and shutting the sliding door behind him.

[Senshi Odayakama (Crimson.)]

When she arrived at the Squad 7 Barracks, she didn’t expect things to be the same, no, not at all. The whole world for this Shinigami was changing and she was here for something that she never really had experienced before. She was here to ask Kaen Youji on a date. However, when she saw him, he looked beaten, and not just in the literal sense. It was almost as if he was contemplating, thinking of darker thoughts as his eyes reflected it. She could tell because before she met him, she was in a similar state of mind. “Long time no see…” There was something wrong with Kaen, and she could feel it eating at his very soul. Though she couldn’t help but flush when he mentioned that she looked good.

The slight tinge of pink that would match the Sakura petals when in bloom. The lady got closer to him, then went to his side when he asked the question “How was her recovery?” That had a lot of meanings to it. With a bright smile on her face, she tried to hide how she was really feeling. Instead she put on a bit of a mask as she held her now missing left arms stump. “I’m doing fine Kaen! I’m doing much better. My arm was a small price to pay for my life.” That much was true, it was true that her life was worth more than her arm was. She was still living, breathing, and talking and that was what was important. Right? She walked with him as she thought about her state of being.

“I-Ano...I did come for you. I’m sorry I came on such short notice.” She could feel him hesitating almost to ask about something. Yet, she looked at him and could see him move on, taking her to an office. When he slid the door open, she was appalled at the mess inside. It was disorderly but yet organized in a sense. However, it made sense. She didn’t expect for Kaen to be doing mountains of paperwork like her, granted it seemed like that he did have some of those responsibilities. Yet… the trays of food? She’d moved in with HImitsu Kasumi’Oji, the current captain of the squad at his manor, but frankly she wondered if Kaen had a home really other than this barracks that he was so accustomed to. This was so different though, just seeing a different environment that wasn’t orderly.

As for her, she typically did all the paperwork that the captain didn’t do. All of the financial documents she kept in neat formations. They were always filed, alphabetical, and worked on in a timely manner when she was not in a separate sphere of assignment. Her work space was always clean and contained nothing more than a desk, a bookshelf, and a filing cabinet. She lived a spartan life at work and had no real need for luxuries. The only accessory to adorn the desk and mark it as hers was a small puppy bobblehead sort of thing that went yip and did a backflip if it’s head was tapped. “H-Hai.” She stood there, hands crossed on her lap, looking around, too nervous to disturb anything, but too hard not to judge.

However, she didn’t like Kaen for his work ethics, his looks, or any other mix of things. She liked him, even adored him because of the kind of man he was. He was her hero, an idol, someone to look up to. He prevented her from killing herself and was the first person in centuries to tell her that he had honest faith in her. After centuries of seeing horrors and experiencing them first hand, he was the first to notice her. He didn’t take pity on her...but respected her and urged her to keep fighting against the hard times. So, just as the rain clouds were pouring, it was destined that the sun would eventually return. As Kaen went to get dressed, Senshi would slowly look around herself and hesitantly took the initiative.

She put the trays of food aside with a gently sweep of her right hand before she looked across the first pile of papers. She was organizing them, setting them aside in an organized manner, placing them by the filing cabinet and getting to work. However, it was difficult, her right hand moved as quick as possible, but the coordination just didn’t feel right. Once, twice, thrice did she fumble with her hand. In light frustration, she bit her bottom lip and worked patiently. On her knees, the Vice Captain got to work, and despite the pain of getting down and the pain of getting up, she did it. Kaen might perhaps see those leg braces, but that was part of life. Getting into the deepness of the work, she didn’t think of anything else. Grab, sort, organize, repeat. Thinking that she was alone for a moment, she smiled with her back turned to him and whispered lightly under her breath, “Oh Kaen…”

[Kaen Youji]

Kaen regarded Senshi's answer slowly. "...I'm glad you're alright then." He replied, regarding her statement. "Is there anything that can be done about it?" He asked. "A prosthetic? Maybe someone in Squad 4 can regenerate it? Or Squad 12?" He frowned as he said so. "Don't worry about the short notice, I was just finishing up." He added, as he entered the office and headed to the back.

Kaen did indeed have a separate dwelling from his office-- his family manor. However, in Kaen's case, he treated the place much more like a vacation home, or a summer home of sorts. Somewhere to go during his downtime, when he wasn't working. And well. ....Things had been busy for both Soul Society and Kaen lately, and in a sense, the Squad 7 Vice Captain was fearing downtime. He feared what might happen if, at any point, he found himself with nothing to focus his mind on. To distract his thoughts from the darkness welling inside of him. Better to keep to his work, to his training, and to make sure there would be far fewer Shinigami (or at least Squad 7) casualties in a future battle. That... was what Kaen hoped anyways. That if he just kept himself occupied enough, he could either find a solution to his problems before they consumed him.... Or resolved the problems.

Kaen didn't hear Senshi tidying up-- or rather, he heard her, but didn't associate it with tidying up. He threw off a shirt and briefly looked at the scars covering his body now. Sure... He'd had a few scars before. The cross on his cheek, and a few scrapes and bruises.... But they'd multiplied tenfold in as little as under a year. Burn scars, and savage impalement wounds. Plus his newest addition from the battle with a Bount in the Human World, on his shoulder. Every one of them now, a reminder. His failures. Before he might have called them his lessons. No, he saw these as failures now. He wasn't strong enough to carry the burden of Squad 7. Himitsu was pretty strong. He'd concede that. He didn't think Himitsu was as strong as Enma. And that stung. Kaen grit his teeth a little as he pulled a clean top out of a small dresser beside his sleeping area, and threw it on. While, like all his outfits, his family crest was present on the back, along with the insignia of Squad 7 along the lapel, this one was a little unique at least compared to his other outfits. Mostly as this one had the sleeves intact. Kaen had removed the sleeves from most of his uniforms as he found they got in the way and caught and snared on all sorts of things when fighting. This one, however, had full, proper sleeves. Better for looking presentable when out on non-combat duties. Kaen threw it on, and adjusted his obi, before coming back out of his sleeping area, shutting the door behind him.

"Sorry to keep you waiting. Is something up?" He asked, as he heard he intone his name.

[Senshi Odayakama (Crimson.)]

As Kaen made suggestions of what Senshi could do for an arm, she immediately stiffened, looking to him. “Don’t worry about it...it’s something that I’ll deal with. I don’t need anyone’s help about it.” There was that lying undertone of seriousness that she had never shown to him, They soon arrived, and she began to tidy what she could, and when she saw him come forth from another room, she slowly turned, standing tall as she could, and then looking into his eyes. While he was going through his midlife crisis, worrying about what would happen if there was freetime for him, Senshi found herself in a situation with ample freetime, and discovering herself as an individual. She slowly stepped forward and placed her one hand on his right shoulder.

“Nothing...it’s nothing. You just must be pretty busy is all. Is there anywhere you’d like to go in particular? If not...I was thinking going on top of the wall of the Seireitei, to look at the stars together.” She never got to enjoy beautiful nights, and as she’d like to pleasantly walk and enjoy his company, she decided to speak up. As she walked through, she brought her arms in closer, or for one of them, the sleeve as she rested it on her stomach. “Kaen-Kun...I need to ask you something…” She sounded somewhat insecure about herself again, as she was before when she had met him, but not in despair, but simple uncertainty. It was something that was bothering her, something that she needed to know. “How do you see me? I think now that I’ve lost my arm on my first assignment as a Vice-Captain, people are going to laugh at me. My experience on that mission wasn’t a cakewalk either.”

Remembering that horrible battle, she remembered every sensation of pain and anxiousness that went through her heart, as she refused to retreat. Maybe she should have, and maybe if she did, she would have her arm. However, she wanted to believe in herself, have faith in her ability to perform, and as rare as it was, it had failed her. She was reckless, naive, a young Shinigami in all respects. Taking step by step, she released a long exhale as her crimson locks blew through the wind. “You’re the closest person to me...and despite us not meeting much, I think you know me pretty well. I want to know what you think of me as a Vice-Captain. What do you see my future as?” She had grown, become stronger, become something greater, and yet there was so much more to do. “Am I too weak to embody what Soul Society wants from me?” Through the neat clean streets, she wondered this as she looked to the great standing wall, and again, she imagined it crashing, falling from itself as fire blazed in the distance. Her eyes seemed lightly glazed in that moment, before turning to him with a burning strength.

[Kaen Youji]

While Kaen was still concerned about Senshi's arm, her insistence caused the other Vice Captain to relent. If Senshi wanted her space and to deal with this herself, then that was fine. Kaen would respect that. Not like he didn't understand the need to deal with your war wounds yourself. That was something that Kaen really understood right about now. So he let the matter drop, his concern aside. He glanced at Senshi's hand when she placed in on his shoulder. "I... It's really not important where we go." Kaen replied. There were probably some places he wouldn't want to go, to be fair, but he had few preferences today. "That's fine." He added in response to Senshi's suggestion, stepping out of his office and securing the door, before heading out with her.

As they walked, Senshi asked Kaen for his opinion of her, as well as asking his opinion on her as a Vice Captain. Kaen was silent for several minutes as they walked. "Well. That depends." Kaen answered. "Do you want to know what I think as a Vice Captain of Squad 7? Or what I think as..." He broke off. He was about to ask "As Kaen Youji", but as he thought to that determined, optimistic person he'd been not so long ago, he wondered if he could actually give Senshi the opinion of Kaen Youji. Or if the opinion would only be from the now bitter, revenge-driven Shinigami he was right now. "...Anyways. What do I think of you as a Vice Captain?" He thought for a moment. "Shouldn't be important." He ultimately decided. "I'm the Squad 7 Vice Captain, and because of holding this position for so long, outlasting two Captains of this squad, and being considered one of Soul Society's strongest Vice Captains, people seem to think that means my opinion means something. But when it comes to deciding if someone should be a Vice Captain outside of this squad? ....Eh." Kaen admitted. "I won't tell you if you should be or shouldn't be a Vice Captain. I'm just going to ask you some questions that you should ask yourself."

Kaen considered Senshi's points. "You say you lost your arm in your first assignment as Vice Captain. What would have happened if any other member of your squad, save for maybe your Captain, had been there instead? Would they have done any better? Or do you think they'd have been worse off than you got?" He let that sink in for a moment. "And if you can't answer that question to yourself, ask yourself why that is. Is it because you do not know the capabilities of your subordinates?" He added. "I know the names and faces of each member of my squad. They're my family. I know their strengths and their weaknesses, because it's my job to. I would not ask any of them to do a job that I wouldn't do myself, unless I believed they were better suited for it than I am. ....More importantly, if I wasn't strong enough to do a job, I wouldn't ever ask one of them to do it instead." That was true of Kaen even before the most recent invasion, and had only been galvanized by the sight of his dead subordinates. "That's the first thing to ask yourself. You lost your arm. Would your subordinate have lost their life in the same situation? You said you faced down Kuroi Naito. Do you think it was fair of your Vice Captain and Captain at the time to force that upon you, if they could have stood up to him in your stead?"

Kaen continued walking through the streets of the Seireitei. "Before you were Vice Captain, what would you have expected of the position? Do you fulfill what you would have wished your Vice Captain to be capable of?" And this. This was why Kaen had never pushed for the position of Captain. Why a part of him still felt unworthy to even hold the position of Vice Captain. If Senshi had asked Kaen that same question, his answer would be an unequivocal "no". He was a placeholder in Squad 7. He'd never pressed for the position of Captain because he had believed himself to not be equal to Enma's legacy. He still didn't feel he was equal to Rin's. That his former Vice Captain would still have surpassed him in strength. He was here, because he did not want anyone else to claim Rin's position. That was all. And all the responsibilities of the job kind of just fell into place with it.

"Tell me. What do you think Soul Society wants from you?" He asked.

[Senshi Odayakama (Crimson.)]

He didn’t have a preference for where he wanted to explore, casually accepting Senshi’s idea instead. They walked, and as she asked what he thought of her, what he thought as a Vice Captain, he remained quiet. She walked on ahead of him for a while longer, waiting for an answer as he thought of how to word it. He ultimately said that his opinion didn’t matter. ‘Of course it’s important. Every opinion matters.’ The self conscious Shinigami was more than worried at how people viewed her image, and frankly, she was ashamed at herself when she failed to meet expectations. Sure, she was still human at heart. She would make mistakes, but to her, they were crippling failures that would follow her forever.

Though, when he said he would ask her some simple questions, her head popped up as she looked at him. “Yes Youji-Kun?” When he asked her about her first assignment, she froze in place. She didn’t walk any further as she considered what he asked. In all honesty, she felt that even her captain could feasibly die. It was a miracle she survived, and her enemy was utterly playing with her. If it came down to the run of the mill of her squadron, even a seated officer. She shook her head to clear the nasty thought out of her head. She followed him as he then asked about Kuroi Naito. That was enough. She had some answers about now, and she understood what he was talking about. So then, she’d answer honestly.

“On my assignment, I think you could send my whole squad and they could still be killed, me included. She was a monster...and she was just toying with me because she could. My Kido could only bind her for a few seconds. She was strong both spiritually and physically. As for Kuroi Naito…” She placed her hand on her chin as she spoke. “To put it simply, it wasn’t my captain’s fault. I had just come in after a training trip with Shonin Joka when suddenly the gate was cut down. We the Shinigami at the gate weren’t prepared. It was a slaughter. Though, that tells me that life itself isn’t fair.” She really enjoyed his insight, because it made her think from his viewpoint. What did she think the position wanted from her?

“In all honesty...simply to be organized and be able to do paperwork. I imagined the Squad 8 Vice Captain position would have me be at least decent in combat but I’d be focusing more on financial operations and stuff like that. I...believe it or not was a coward. I feared battle, and I still do. However, I fear it less, because I’ve experienced nearly dying so much...and I’m training hard to defend myself either way. I wish I could be brave like you.” She shyly blushed pink at that last statement, tilting her head to the floor to avoid eye contact. It was a bright pink and she felt so out of place saying something like that to someone so successful. Then there was that other question. What did Soul Society want from her? Brushing her face with her sleeve to shake the blush, she took a deep breath before she answered what she wholeheartedly thought.

“In all honesty?...Do whatever they tell me to do. I’m a soldier, and therefore, I’m expendable. We maintain order, we do as we are told, and we do whatever we want within the rules on our free time. I think that if you’re weak...like I am, that they want to replace you with someone better.” As they approached the repaired Senkaimon, she looked upon the great wall before looking to Kaen. Her heart felt...fuzzy and all warm when around him. She felt weak at the knees sometimes; she admired him more than she knew. He was an inspiration for many, herself included. Looking to him, she fiddled with her right hand, her left sleeve swaying back and forth as she took a deep breath. “It’s too good to be sitting around on a day like this don’t you think?...I don’t know. I-I umm.” She flushed a brighter red as she shut up for a second before releasing her statement in a squeak.

“I-It’s the first time I-I’ve e-ever been taken out by a boy before a-and.” She furiously blinked as she turned her back to the man, muttering incomprehensible words about how embarrassing it was to say such a thing, how improper it was, and how she needed to correct herself. Poor Senshi. She just didn’t seem to know what to do with her hero right here.

[Kaen Youji]

Kaen listened to Senshi's response, being sure to pay attention to each word. She spoke of the extreme difficulty of both of those battles. "Then why feel embarrassed about it?" He countered. "You think that enemy could have slain your Captain, your entire squad? Then if the enemy was that powerful, there should be no shame in your injuries." He said. "Against Kuroi Naito, you also don't think your Vice Captain at the time would have done any better. That even your Captain might not have. Given his track record..." Kaen said, and trailed off again. He didn't want to admit that Senshi was probably right about Kuroi Naito. Given the Espada's track record, it would probably have taken multiple Captain-level Shinigami to drive him off or defeat him. "...Shame in one's war wounds should only exist if there's reason to believe that you should have done better. That someone else could have done better in your place. From how you're describing it, that wasn't the case. That the one that should have and could have stood up to them would have had to be so much stronger than anyone in your division that they'd have been an exception, not the standard." He said. Senshi's comment about life not being fair struck a chord with Kaen. ".....No." He agreed. "No. It's not." He said with a note of finality and did not divulge further.

"If you think that is what your division expects from its Vice Captain, then so be it." Kaen replied. For him, of course, the title meant something different. Indomitable. Invincible. Squad 7 was the strongest Squad in Soul Society. Its Vice Captain had to extol nothing less than absolute power and strength among all other Vice Captains. Kaen.... Kaen was not allowed to be defeated by anyone below the level of a Captain. And even then, he expected himself to give a good account of himself. That was the burden he placed on his shoulders. The burden he believed would make him even measure up to the person who'd held the position before him. Well. Maybe not that strong, he corrected himself. He might at least measure up to her ankles at least though; his first match with Rin flashing through his mind. In the entire fight, he had only grazed her a few times. At best, he'd forced her onto the defensive once or twice, but he had been utterly and completely defeated. Though Kaen had long since surpassed Rin, he would never see it that way. Deprived of the chance to face her head on and measure his progress, his mind had eternally locked the Empress in that invincible state, above him. And perhaps somewhere deep inside, he wanted to be defeated by her again. To serve under her as a third seat again. Indeed, it was likely, that even if Rin were to somehow return to life again to fight for her position, Kaen would unquestionably lose to her ten out of ten times, if only because his subconscious image of the Empress would not allow him to defeat her.

Senshi, however, as a member of Squad 8 had set a much more modest goal for herself. "That is to say, if you think you are meeting the requirements of the position, then why angst over it? It'd be one thing if you didn't think that you were, but as you say, you're the financial division, so your primary purpose should not be solely in defeating enemies." Kaen conceded. It was worlds different than his own view of the Vice Captain position, but Senshi wasn't wrong. Her comment about bravery prodded Kaen's mind though. He thought back to tales of bravery, and pondered them for a moment. It was often said that bravery was not the absence of fear, but taking action despite fear. If that was the case.... Kaen really didn't consider himself brave. "I'm not brave." Kaen said. "Just.... determined. Prideful. I have too much to prove to have time to be afraid. I can't really call it bravery if I'm only pushing forwards because I don't know to be afraid." He commented. "I just have a goal. That's all. There's a man that I have to kill. And I won't be able to do that if I don't continue to push myself higher and higher." Kaen replied to Senshi. "...I'm not brave. Just... desperate and determined. Bravery is something else. I think to be brave... you have to be afraid first. There's nothing noble about pushing on when you're not afraid, but there's something important about continuing to fight, even when you are."

It was Senshi's comment about being expendable that Kaen finally took umbrage with. "No, that's wrong. Any superior officer that treats their subordinates like they're expendable is wrong. I have taken to memorizing the faces of the people in my division. None of them deserve to have their lives thrown away." Kaen paused again. ...Indeed. If a superior officer knew an assignment was sure to result in death... It should be their responsibility to undertake it. Not shift the burden onto another. There were some that might laugh or mock that logic. "I am more valuable to Soul Society, so I can't afford to lose my life." But Kaen would answer-- even now, in his pessimistic and disheartened state of mind, that Soul Society was worth being valued because it had Shinigami ready to make that sacrifice if they had to, and not just treat their subordinates like fodder. Unity and strength. That was the power of Soul Society, above the Vandenreich who threw aside those deemed unworthy, or worse still-- Las Noches, who actively cannibalized itself to ensure that only the strong remained. "If you've been promoted to Vice Captain, it's because you're not expendable. They don't promote just anyone. Soul Society has a good group of Captains right now. They won't promote people just to be a placeholder." Even Kimiko Shihoin, whom Kaen had very angrily spoken out against, he had only done so, because Squad 7 was special. Even during their battle, he had regarded Kimiko as a far superior fighter to any other Captain he had fought by that point. Her power had certainly surpassed both Alkaid and Shade Kawada, and she was worthy of the title "Captain."

Kaen looked over the Senkaimon, a slight twinge of pain running through his scars as he reflected on the battle that had damaged it so greatly. The fight that had split his spirit to the bone. Senshi was saying something now though, and Kaen dimly tried to pay attention. "It's fine." He assured her. "It's good that I can be of help to someone right now...." Because Kaen certainly wasn't helping himself.

[Senshi Odayakama (Crimson.)]

She reflected on his statements, saying there was nothing to be ashamed of, and yet she couldn’t help but believe that it was her fault for not being stronger. She exited her blushing sensation as she looked crestfallen for a moment, her head down. She wondered if he could understand how she felt in this moment, but she then lifted her head and looked at him with a slight frown before she just looked nervous again and lowered her head with a blush. He said based on what she was telling him, she was performing her duties just fine, and for that reason there was no need to fret or panic over her position. She was doing her best and her best was enough to get the base part of her duties done.

‘Oh Youji-Kun...you always know what to say.’ It was then she could almost hear a chuckle in the back of her head. “You’re such a dummy. If you like him that much, you might as well just confess your feelings and say you like like him you know. I’m sure guys at least like it when you’re direct. Besides, the worst he can do is reject you.” She bit her lower lip at that, but didn’t say anything. Odayakama Senshi thought about such a thing and her face flushed brightly. However, thing was, she’d rather just never approach rather than approach and be rejected. Yet, she snapped out of it and looked furiously around herself, hoping he didn’t notice and she tried her best to focus back on him.

He said that he wasn’t brave. He simply acted the way he did because he didn’t know how to be afraid? HOW DREAMY!~ That was so amazing. For her, she was always afraid of everything bar a few exceptions and yet Kaen could walk into a situation and do things just because of his ambitions? Sugoi...Wait...did he just say that his goal was to kill a certain man? She couldn’t help but in an anime thought bubble imagine Kaen with longer, spikier black hair that covered his face, red armor, a war fan on his back, and two glaring red eyes with three tomoe in each. However, she was at least serious enough about this moment to throw in her own thoughts when he was done speaking to her. She looked down to the left corner of her eyes, and she then approached him, her singular hand looking to grasp his own.

“You’ve been good to me Youji-Kun. I just...can’t understand how you’re so good of heart after everything you must have been through.” She giggled in delight before looking to the clouds, despite everything she felt. “Look how beautiful they are. How they float so freely without a worry in the world.” She gave a light sigh as she slowly drew her Zanpakutou and pointed it to the sky. “Extend above the heavens and fly. Shonin Joka.” The sword did not transform, but she never really wanted it to anyways. “That call...my partner. I wonder what it means and why it relates to me. He’s more boisterous and ambitious...and yet I’m just too scared to do things.”

“But...I just want to let you know that. To me, even if you’re not brave. You’re still...you’re still my hero. Don’t you ever forget it Youji-Kun. Also...despite the fact I can’t do...much for you. I-I erm.” There was practically a glowing in this moment.

“SAY IT! OH KAMI SAY IT!” The redhead clenched her fist and her face radiated a new shade of neon pink as she said it not in a bang, but a whisper as Senshi’s world ended as she finally said a statement she was sure would lead to her devastation. “I love you Youji-Kun. You’re my hero a-and...I-I have feelings.” Her right hand would hover over her heart, and she had her head looking down, too terrified to see his disgusted face, or his rejecting stare. She was too scared. She was terrified. Maybe this was why they said “never meet your heroes.” Because never before had she felt the need to embrace a man and kiss him as much as now, but yet also cry and weep with a single word. Kaen now had a special power. To break her or manipulate her fragile heart.

[Kaen Youji]

Senshi had gone quiet. She was thinking intensely now, Kaen could tell. About what he'd told her? ...Well, he supposed that was probably the case, yes. Of course, he had no inkling of what she was actually thinking at that moment, and would probably have been embarrassed had he known. As well as that she'd missed the point of his argument of why fear was a good thing. Kaen... didn't think it was a good thing that he wasn't afraid of fighting, getting hurt or dying. It probably meant there was something wrong with him, in all honesty. Even before this vengeful mindset had set in, Kaen was pretty sure. Kaen really did consider it far more admirable to overcome one's fear, rather than just not being scared in the first place. It made him respect Senshi a lot more. Though if she spoke of him this way... he'd probably understand. After all, he had someone like that too...

Finally, Senshi spoke up.

".....I... I'm not. Not really." Kaen replied to her assertion that he was good of heart. He didn't feel it right now. "I've done things that a good person would not have." He added, but allowed Senshi to quickly change the topic to the clouds, which he looked up at. Floating free, huh? Kaen looked back at Senshi. "...You could do that too. If you put your mind to it." He informed her. "To drift, without care or worries but... no goals. No responsibilities. Nothing to drive for or try to achieve either." He contemplated. "But... it is nice... to not have to worry, or have to care about anything... for a short time at least." She spoke of her partner, and Kaen looked at Senshi with a small smile.

And then she dropped the bombshell.

Kaen paused for a long moment there, as he looked at Senshi. Not in disgust as she’d feared, but in long contemplation and surprise. I mean…. I suppose I should have guessed…. Senshi wasn’t making eye contact. Fear of rejection. Kaen took a deep breath, and placed a hand on Senshi’s shoulder. ”Let’s go somewhere more private.” He offered, as he led her around a corner of a building, down a side street, and out of the public eye. Then Kaen hugged her. ”Senshi…. I’m glad you told me.” He answered. He didn’t say anything for a moment or two, just hugging the girl that apparently idolized him. In Kaen’s mind…. Undeservedly so. Kaen…. Wasn’t worth idolizing. Not in his mind. He could be a goal to surpass…. That’s what he was trying to impart in his squad right now. Setting himself up as an objective to be overcome. But idolized? …Why? What qualities did he have that were worth that? He was stronger than most, maybe even as powerful as a Captain. But really? There were many stronger than him. He had some accomplishments under his belt, but there were others, like Sozen Kuchiki with more. What did Kaen have worth idolizing? A personal connection.

”Senshi…. I want to return your feelings.” Kaen said. ”….I’m walking a dangerous road. A road that I would refuse to any other.” The image of Captain Enma’s mask flickered through his mind. A dying Empress, and barely suppressed rage flickered in his heart. ”I’m… walking down a path I don’t think I can come back from. And it’s one that doesn’t have a happy ending, even if I succeed.” He mentioned. ”I… I can't let you follow me down a path like that.” He didn’t let go of Senshi while he told her this. ”You’ve been through so much already, and I think you have the potential to make a difference for people. You have potential, Senshi. My path… is not going to end well. And I’m not going to drag you down with me.” He told her. ”But… I’m not going to think less of you. It took courage to tell me this. You have a lot more strength than you give yourself credit for.” Kaen added reassuringly. He hadn’t released the hug he was holding Senshi in all that time.